Posts Tagged ‘The Great Unwashed’

Poms vs Wallabies – Translation

November 17th, 2008

Al BaxTAH destroying Andy Sheridan

Al BaxTAH destroying Andy Sheridan

This blog is called Beer and Sport for a reason, and that was never clearer than my coverage of the England vs Australia Test Match Rugby at 3am on Sunday morning. For those of you who struggled with my live match report, here is a sober translation.

ino try mother fúcker!

We scored a try, yay

commentary is mofúckingshízerhousern. and what’s with the ads@

The Channel 10 coverage is appalling. They only seem to have one commentator who is some pompous and quietly spoken Pom, who’se considered reflections add nothing to the spectacle. Think Sir Henry Blowfield on prozac.

ghey as.

Ryan Cross just did something stoopid

sackeyt you dumbshít mofo, kick it TGITS!

England winger, Paul Sackey, just executed a poor midfield kick that went straight to Wallabies fly-half Matt Giteau.

damn, missed onej. half time, 12-11

Oh bother, Matt Giteau just missed a kick at goal. It’s halftime and the Wallabies are leading 12-11.

CARN WALABI…..sorry ch10 ad break…………………….ES!!!!

We were playing some good attacking rugby when I was left high and dry by the Channel 10 coverage swapping to an advertisment in the middle of play. When they came back, play is up the other end of the field.

As a subscriber to Foxtel and someone who is prepared to pay a premium to watch sport live, it is most frustrating to live in a country where the government legislate to protect the right of ‘Free to air’ stations to deny me live coverage of sporting events.

I dont have abig enough font but

TIGHTEASDDSD!~!!@!~

Oh, I do believe that the much maligned Wallabies Scrum just pulled off a Tighthead. That is to say we won the ball on the opposition feed by literally shoving their front row’s head up their árses. I am rather impressed by this feat and wish to convey my happiness in blog form by using the biggest font availble.

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Batting for a draw

March 6th, 2008

Geoffory Boycott must be very proud that The England have adopted his “Can’t win, don’t try” philosophy.

After New Zealand put on a hard fought 470 at a brisk 3.6 rpo in their first innings, The England came out and started batting for a draw.

The England managed in their 41 over first day stint to amass a total of 89 runs. They’ve made up for that exuberance today however, succeeding in slowing down their scoring rate to 1.6 over the last 10 overs.

It’s worth remembering that this enzed attack is minus their spearhead Shane Bond, leaving a fine collection of medium paced all-rounders and off spinners. Plus they’re playing in Hamilton, the ground which is so large it can hold up to 10,000 spectators. Those boundaries must be HUGE.

As I write this Vaughan has departed which brings saffa skunk to the crease, hopefully he’ll stir things up a bit.

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Pom bashing part 2: the try that never was

December 20th, 2007

Jeremy Clarkson has been crapping on about this ‘try’ ever since they bombed out in the final, and now Mark Cuerto is jumping on the bandwagon and crying in the papers again.

Gagger has written a nice piece debunking the myth and I was pleased to see one of my photo’s featuring as the key piece of evidence in the case against the try. Just for the record I’ll rehash the key facts that the unwashed seem to be missing.

  • When you look at the front view of the ‘try’, you’ll see that his right elbow touches the ground a quarter-second before he grounds the ball. Pics are here and here.
  • When you look at the behind shot, his foot is clearly on the line (which is out) and his elbow is clearly above the ground (Pic with this story). As such, he could not have possibly grounded the ball and consequently it’s not a f’ucking try!
  • Toby Flood in all honesty should have received a yellow card for pushing Percy into a massive TV camera at full speed. Percy was quite lucky not to have been seriously injured in the incident.
  • The final score was 15-6, so even with a converted try they’d still have lost

Here’s the youtube video of the piece of play in question. No Try!

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Tis the season to bash Pommies

December 20th, 2007

Deck the halls with Poms for bashing. Tra-la-lalala lala la la. The time is ripe to lay in the yule tide boot which reminded me of this Kiwi vodka advert which makes admirable effort.While bashing Poms has long been one of my favourite hobbies, at least they used to make it a challenge. It’s hard to put into words just how pathetic their effort in the second test in Sri Lanka has been, fortunately the Left Arm Chinaman has taken care of that thankless task

Well. Just when you thought that the viscous, pulsating flow of faeces that constitutes life couldn’t get any thicker, the England cricket team thicken the mix by collapsing to 21 all out.

Yes, a stirling performance by the great unwashed to welcome in the rebuilt Galle ground. After watching Jayawardene accumulate 213 not out, the Lankans declared on 499 leaving 8 overs before lunch to find that the benine pitch they’d been milking for 7 sessions is in fact possessed.

Vaughan played a captains knock and led his men from the front with a hard earned run before shouldering arms to one that trapped him in front. With just 5 overs to go till the lunch break one could have been forgiven for showing caution, however Vaughan had asked for a collapse and his loyal followers were eager to provide just that. Cook was inspirational and orchestrated the run out of Ding Dong Bell before surrendering his own wicket in the 6th over. Not even saffa pom could stop the rout, falling to Malinga the next over. Lunch was kind enough to find them 4/22 needing just 277 to avoid the follow on.

Collingwood held up an end in defiance of Vaughan’s orders however wickets steadily fell at the other end before the collapse was complete at the 81 marker. Had the not been kind enough to provide 12 extras a total of 69 was on the cards.

So.. they’ve got two days to find some backbone and learn to bat, otherwise we’ll be seeing a change in the world rankings with Sri Lanka climbing to 2 and the Poms dropping to 5. Nice.

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