Australia

Our bowling lineup looks at it’s strongest so far in the series with Shaun Tait and Mitchell Johnson playing together at last. Mitchell’s troubled the Saffas more than any other bowler on this tour so having him back after a rest will be a big bonus.

Hilfenhaus has shown some of the potential that I keep talking up this series, and bowled a heap of garbage too. He and Ryan Harris have been dropped for tomorrow’s game to make room for Tait and Johnson. I’d really like to see ‘Dirty’ Dirk Nannes given a shot, preferably in a way that forces him to miss tomorrow night’s Twenty20 final at the SCG

Shaun Marsh has blasted off the cobwebs of his sub-par domestic season with 78 and 79, here’s to a century from the Son of Swampy. The only question remaining in our lineup is which Queenslander to not play at number 8. Here’s hoping my boy Dave Warner starts middling them again tonight, if not can we have him back for tomorrow?

South Africa

Johan Botha throws like a girl, and his action is dodgy as hell but at least the teams over rate is improving. AB ‘c’ DeVilliers should be be getting back on the horse that threw him, look for Ricky to bring Tait on as soon as he’s in. The overly hyped Vaughn van Jaarsveld has been dropped, much like the multiple chances that have fallen through his hands and snuck past his bat.

We’re still looking for a way to negate JP Duminy, hopefully Tait can maim him as I just can’t see us getting him out the old fashioned way.

Free Stuff

If you’re going to the match tonight, hold on to your ticket as it’ll work at Homebush for the Twenty20 final tomorrow as well. We’re hoping to take the record for highest attendance at a domestic Twenty20 game from the Vics in addition to the Big Bash Trophy, so giving tickets away seemed like a good plan. To be honest I reckon they should give all tickets away and make cash off food/drink/merchandise, or charge a token amount to get the bums on seats. Still, $20 aint too bad..

The Teams

Australia 1 Shaun Marsh, 2 David Warner, 3 Ricky Ponting (capt), 4 Michael Hussey, 5 David Hussey, 6 Cameron White, 7 Brad Haddin (wk), 8 James Hopes/Nathan Hauritz, 9 Mitchell Johnson, 10 Nathan Bracken, 11 Shaun Tait.

South Africa (possible) 1 Herschelle Gibbs, 2 Hashim Amla, 3 Jacques Kallis, 4 AB de Villiers, 5 JP Duminy, 6 Neil McKenzie, 7 Mark Boucher (wk), 8 Albie Morkel, 9 Johan Botha (capt), 10 Dale Steyn/Morne Morkel, 11 Makhaya Ntini.

So some 22 year old Tasmanian díckhead calls Morne Morkel by this name. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense given that Morne is in fact white, however he’s obviously wanted to cause maximum offence so yells it out in Morne’s direction.

Unfortunately for the dumbárse Morne doesn’t hear it, however a cop does and promptly arrests him. Now he’s off to court facing charges of using offensive language. The maximum penalty for Offensive Conduct is a $660.00 fine or imprisonment for 3 months and for Offensive Language a $660.00 fine.

What’s the world coming too when you can’t go quoting Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon 2? Any of these quotations would be enough to land you in some pretty hot water

Don’t you go being a smart kaffir.

They’ve been… de-kaffir-nated.

Just get out of here, Kaffir-lover!

Reformed Chucker

In other news, Bogan Queenslanders have made headlines after last nights T20 match by shining bloody bright lasers at South African fielders as they go for catches. The lasers are visible on the TV coverage, and if I can find the footage I’ll stick it up here later.

The story however is the reaction from the South African’s with regard to what could be called blatant cheating from members of the crowd. What a refreshing contrast their attitude makes after the precious Indians who toured this time last year. I truly wish the Baggy Greens will behave with the dignity shown by the Saffas on this tour when we head to their backyard.

“There was a green flash and it was pretty bright and the light seemed to be pointing towards me,” “I am not making any excuses, I think it was a pretty valiant effort to take the catch. I wouldn’t have caught it anyway. – Wayne Parnell, the laser victim

“It didn’t make any difference in terms of the catch”, “It didn’t make any difference in terms of the result.” “We are confident CA will be sorting that type of stuff out. It’s a small issue and we’re not going to make a huge song and dance about it. We’re just here to play cricket. We don’t want to get involved in too many off-field side-shows.” – Micky Arthur, Saffa Coach

David Warner

This fucking rocks! David Warner, what a superb debut. There was only one Australian who didn’t enjoy that innings last night, and with 89 off 43 balls it’d be pretty tough for the selectors to not add Dave to the ODI squad now, as I suggested over at Well Pitched on Friday.

The highlight for me was his first ball facing Dale Steyn, knowing this guy is rated as the best quick on earth so he paddles a six over fine leg. Next ball, now that he’s got his eye in, he tonks him over mid wicket for another 6!

Warner faced just 1/4 of the balls bowled to Australia to score 1/2 the runs, this in a team of his childhood heros who he wanted to get autographs from in the changerooms.

Well that’s enough gloating for now, I can’t wait till the second T20 on Tuesday in Brisbane – one scary thought for South Africans is the ball that Warner was eventually caught off in Melbourne at deep long on would have gone for another 6 at the Gabba!

One thing that could be interesting later this year is the IPL as Dave has signed with the Delhi Daredevils and will open the batting with Virender Sehwag – hopefully Sehwag can teach him some restraint!

The guy is stock standard left-arm orthodox bowler, and from watching him I can’t help but feel he does not deserve to carry the scalps of the best players of spin in the modern game, such as

• K Pietersen (twice), once on 94
• V Sehwag (twice)
• S Ganguly
• Inzamam-ul-Haq
• VVS Laxman
• MS Dhoni
• CH Gayle
• SR Tendulkar
• Yuvraj Singh
• MJ Clarke
• A Symonds

Some bloke on the radio yesterday presented a workable theory on the Harris Factor. Apparently the guy is a complete wánker. Whether he learnt this strategy from Harbajahn or is a total knob jockey at heart I’m not sure, but giving the ball to the biggest prick in the team and letting him loose seems to be reaping dividends.

Mind you, it’s no small feat out-árseholing Smith, Kallis, and Nel, but apparently it’s his unique combination of lacking variation and skill mixed with his constant appeals as if to suggest to the batsmen that he could get you out at any time that has the worlds best batsmen drowning in honey.

His stats back this up as well, with 70% of his victims being caught in the field believing that they could hit this annoying piece of saffa shít into next week.

Paul Harris method of dismissal

I swear I’ll get zero work done today. I’m so excited with the Aussie vs South Africa Test Series about to start. When it’s summer, in Australia, I can tell you that cricket’s the number one game in town. Just ask anyone around.

Pitch Report

Have been reading from the curator, he reckons the wicket was slow last year due to the domestic T20 final being 3 days prior to the WACA test and that stuffed his preperation. Surely we can chuck this garbage cricket indoors or something, just don’t fúck with our Test Cricket.

So here’s hoping for a green top that gives the Aussie and Saffa quicks all the assistance they could ask for. I want to see the WACA back to being the fastest and meanest pitch on earth.

Injuries

Stu Clark’s elbow giving up is terrible news for the Baggy Greens. Fortunately Side-Siddle is no slouch, he’s got a lot of heart and will bowl all day uphill into the wind, then rather than rest up in the lunch break he’ll get out his favourite axe and chop some wood in a relaxing David Foster tribute.

Fantasies

My fantasy team, the “Hairy backed sheilas”, is looking pretty good, despite being unable to afford all the NSW players and Hussey. Seems the folks at cricinfo have priced the Blues out of contention, which is understandable as we fúcking rock. In the end Lee had to be dropped, his pricetag of 100k was making it tough to get Clarke and Haddin.

The only good thing to come out of Clark’s injury is Siddle happens to be the cheapest bowler on the park, meaning I can afford more NSW players.

It’s time to claim my prize from the Chappell/Hadlee series, I’d like JRod to write a review of the 2007 Sheffield Shield final in the style of a madly patriotic New South Wales supporter.

Cliché Tossers

I’m honestly not too worried about the toss in Perth, it’s more what we do with it. Batting or Bowling there’s going to be opportunity to impose your will on the series. I’ll be upset to miss the cliché’s due to work so will have a go myself. The bowling team will want to take early wickets to put pressure on the middle order. They can do this by bowling in good areas and pitching it up to allow prodigious swing with the assistance of the good Doctor Fremantle.

What colour was the couch?

South Africa certainly used to be the All Blacks (Rugby World Cup vintage) of Cricket, but have they grown up? Ponting’s been trying real hard to get Smith to talk, alas young Graeme’s learnt a lot from his chronic foot in mouth of 1995. The saffas have Duncan Armstrong on the staff too, and I hear that he’s been involved in beating Australia in the past.

Donald Duck forgets to run

Anti-Siphoning

On advice from a Beer and Sport reader that I met in the pub (how random, I have a reader!), I’m going to keep my bítching about institutions to a minimum and will seriously try and get it out of the way in advance.

Perth Tests are always the worst for Aussie audiences getting rectªlly reamed by Channel 9. The schedule of play for NSW/VIC is

• 1st Session: 1:30pm to 3:30pm
• 2nd Session: 4:10pm to 6:10pm
• 3rd Session: 6:30pm to 8:30pm

For those of us who have jobs, that third session looks prime for watching on the telly, however, those fúcksticks put on their shíthouse news and current affairs shízer so we get nothing between 6pm and 7pm. Sometimes they’ll delay the news by 10 minutes, so we’ll see the end of session two, but miss the first 40 mins of session 3.
Best of all Foxtel are forbidden from showing it as channel 9′s right to exclusive coverage is protected by law. Even though they’re not actually showing it, so, by law, they have the right to deny me coverage of the cricket. C9′s Sydney number is (02) 9906-9999 and I’ll be sure to call and yell abuse at 6:31pm.

Crystal Ball

Sure the Saffas have 2 guys who bowl over 150kph and swing it. We’ve got three.
Sure they’ve got a spinner who can contain, we’ve got one who turns it and takes wickets.
Sure they’ve got a settled and in form batting line-up. Um.. oh dear.
I’m with Oooh Aaah. 3-0 to the Aussies.

I disagree. While they have some brilliant quicks boasting impressive career figures, once you take them away from home and remove the minnows of Bangladesh and Zimbabwe they’re quickly bought back down to earth. What

• Dale Steyn – Right-arm fast
  Career: 27 Tests, 136 Wickets at 22.67
  Excluding Minnows, away from home: 9 Tests, 40 Wickets at 27.68
• Makhaya Ntini – Right-arm fast
  Career: 93 Tests, 369 at 27.69
  Excluding Minnows, away from home: 37 Tests, 119 Wickets at 36.48
• Morne Morkel – Right-arm fast
  12 Tests, 40 Wickets at 30.92
  Excluding Bangladesh his figures are 8 Tests yielding 19 Wickets at 45.6

• Jacques Kallis – Right-arm fast-medium
  Career: 125 Tests, 245 Wickets at 30.92
  Excluding Minnows, away from home: 51 Tests, 92 Wickets at 35.86
• Monde Zondeki – Right-arm fast
  Career: 6 Tests, 19 Wickets at 25.26
  Excluding Minnows, away from home: 4 Tests, 7 Wickets at 47.57

So, 4 right-arm quicks offering no variety and ordinary performances away from home. Their Spearhead, Dale Steyn had been, in my estimation, the best quick in world cricket until he toured England a few months ago. Now he’ll really have to lift his game to match Brett Lee and the rapidly improving Mitchell Johnson.

They’ve left out Andre Nel, and while I’ve not closely followed the Saffa scene I do recall him being omitted from a recent Bangladeshi tour due to his whiteness. Perhaps the stigma associated with his being dropped for Charl Langaveldt then is still around? Either way, they’re a weaker side without his aggression and passion, and he’ll be sorely missed by the Aussie crowds in need of a villain.

Compare this to the variety offered by the Aussie pace attack:

• Brett Lee ; right-arm fast

• Mitchell Johnson ; left-arm fast
• Stuart Clark ; right-arm McGrath
• Shane Watson ; right-arm male model

Here’s to a cracking series, and to no Perth Based Saffa ex-pats yelling racist remarks and tarnishing Australian crowds with their brush.

Ponting lying down on the job

The beginning and end of era’s are notoriously hard to define without the benefit of hindsight, as a changing of the guard can happen over many seasons. For a new era to emerge, one team will have to step up to consistently beat all others, both home and away.

To put the claims that India have achieved this into perspective, here’s a quote from pommy blogger King Cricket.

After winning successive Test series against West Indies, South Africa, South Africa again, Bangladesh, England, Sri Lanka, India and West Indies, Australia finally lost away to India and are now ABSOLUTELY SHOCKING at cricket.

India’s recent run of losing a series against Australia, drawing one against South Africa, losing one against Sri Lanka before winning this one, hints that they are now perhaps the new supreme power in world cricket.

As for Australia’s “decline” it’s worth noting that they’ve never been overly impressive in India ; even in the “era of Baggy Green dominance” they only won a single series! The overall series ledger shows Australia with 3 wins (1956, 1969 and 2004) to India’s 5 (1979, 1996 [1 test series], 1998, 2001, and 2008), with 3 Drawn (1959/60, 1964 and 1986 [1 Test Tied]).

I guess my point is that while the Aussie team has obviously weakened through the retirement of some legends, it’s too early to say if there is another team ready to claim a decade as their own. Australia losing in India is nothing new, and losing there again isn’t all that remarkeable.

India played well and full credit too them, but to be the world power that their population demands they’ll have to cope with some big name retirements, and improve their away record vastly. In Dhoni they have the best captain in world cricket, and Ishant Sharma is a real talent who I hope stays fit and hairy.

India, Australia, South Africa, England and Sri Lanka all have strong Test sides at the moment, and are all capable of beating each other on their day. It’s going to be an interesting period in Test Cricket and I can’t wait.

Reference: Australia in India.

“Me having to wear the Springbok jersey, to keep myself from vomiting on it, because there is a bigger picture, because men and women have bled for me to get there.

“Did I ever want to be there? No, it’s never been my dream, but I chose this burden with the greatest of pride and satisfaction, knowing that my father Cheeky Watson laid down his life to get me there.

“the problem with SA rugby is that it is controlled by Dutchmen”, whilst Watson also suggested that SA rugby is “rotten to the core” and that “the men who sit on my left and right of me in the change room despise me for who I am”.

He concludes his speech in the third person, a great way to get any point across

“I’m not throwing some political twist to this transformation, I’m not saying transformation of South African rugby. I’m not saying transformation of the man next to me, on my left or on my right.

“I’m saying transformation of Luke Watson. Because, when I’ve transformed, when I’ve pushed on, when I’m alive, when I’m reaching for my destiny, the man next to me he will automatically get upset. The man next to me automatically gets uncomfortable.

“He looks at me and says: ‘There is something different about this man, there is something different about Luke Watson. He can’t be bought – I can’t throw the Springbok jersey at him and expect him to beg for it, to be on his knees, because it is not going to happen’.

SARU has called an urgent meeting on Monday to determine the accuracy of the reports with Western Province, the player’s contracting union, and UCT, where the statements were said to have been made.

Watson’s father Cheeky was an outspoken anti-racism activist during the apartheid era who declined the opportunity to participate in Springbok trials as a promising player because of his convictions and has made no secret of his displeasure with the game’s current administration. Now it would appear that Luke is following his fathers beliefs, and putting his position as Stormers captain in jepoardy in the process.

The civil rights initiative AfriForum has since sent Watson a letter and intends to have him summoned to the Equality Court on charges of hate speech if he refuses to withdraw his comments.

So.. “I think we’ll have a bowl, looks like there’s a bit in this one for the pacemen” comes out Smith. “YOU FREAKING MORON” I yell at the telly, to little reaction from the head South African fatman. Vaughan 1, Smith 0.

Then they hand the mike to Vaughan who thinks he’s got the rough end of the toss, and implies that he also wanted to have a bowl. Gamemanship perhaps, or was he also swayed by the lack of low lying cloud and the pretty much picture perfect batting conditions? Vaughan 1, Smith 1

So, an opening stand of 114 followed by Vaughan leaving a straight one and it’s on for KP and ding-dong to put on 286 for the 4th wicket. Yep, think this might have been a good wicket to have a bat on.

South Africa all out for 247 in 93.3 overs, adding insult to injury is KP taking the last wicket with his part time Off-Spinners that weren’t good enough to hold down a regular number 8 spot in the Natal Dolphins, you know, cause he’s white.

So.. Vaughan makes his second mistake and enforces the follow on. Sure you’ve got them out cheaply, but after 93.3 overs your pacemen must be feeling it. Why not let the quicks hit the beauty sallons and update their myspace profiles while you bat yourself into form? Vaughan 1, Smith 2

But not Vaughan, clearly having spent the last day in the field and reading one of Steve Waugh’s tour diaries between sessions. He’s going for mental disintegration and the flavour of choice is INNINGS VICTORY.

So, he thinks his quicks have enough left in the tank to bowl out the Proteas again, despite having toiled for 63 overs between the 3 of them in the last day.

Then after eating Frogs Legs in the innings break Vaughan opens with the ultimate surrender tactic, he gives the new ball to Monty and KP! Sure Monty got 4 wickets in the first innings, including McKenzie, so you could perhaps argue some merit in giving him a go early on (say 6th over if nothing’s happening for the quicks), but to waste the new ball with two spinners on a mundane pitch? Please. Vaughan 1, Smith 3

Come the 14th over of the day and it’s time for Sidebottom to get a shot. Sure the ball’s a bit soft now and the shine is worn, and he’s tired, and the batsmen are set, but at least he’s getting a bowl. No real suprise the breakthrough doesn’t come until the second new ball.

This test will most likely end in a draw, but it’ll be South Africa who take the momentum out of it. and their much vaunted pace attack will want to get some more practice in with the Duke before the second test commences.