Waratah Jesus, in a recent drunken stupor wondered how cricket would be if each player had their own commentator. His plan involved each former player to nominate a current player and follow them round the world commentating on their deeds. When the player retires, the commentator retires. The idea is obviously crap, but here’s how it might have sounded in 1993.

Richie Beneaud: Shane Warne delivers his first ball in Ashes cricket. Right arm over the wicket, it’s a lovely flighted delivery from the young Victorian. Pitches well outside leg stump, but what’s this? Bounce, turn, it’s an absolute ripper of a ball let me tell you. Has really gripped the rough outside leg and it’s coming back a long long way, so much that it’s gone on and clipped the off bail! The English captain has a look of bemusement on his face and let me tell you, that’s a ball that will be replayed for many years to come.

Ian Botham: Mike Gatting to face the novice Australian here. Gatting looking well set as Warne bowls, oh that’s a rubbish delivery, what a waste. He’s just thrown it away, way down the leg side and Gatting pads up to let it pass through to the keeper without incide…. oh fúck ! Where the fúck did that come from? Bugger me, it’s come back and gone past the bat and pad to hit the stumps! Must have hit a bottle top or something. Gatting is standing his ground and rightly so. There’s no way that’s out, it just cannot be. Well, the umpire’s stuck the finger up so he’s got to go, unbelievable.

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