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Perth Test Player Ratings and Reviews

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Matty Crane

Matty Crane


Matthew Hayden

-15/10 – So completely and utterly shít that he destroys my “out of 10 scale” before it’s even begun. Useless fat bástard should have gone out on top in 2006, he’s surely only in it for the money now. The selectors talk about picking players on form, now is the time to act on this. I have so much rage for this Queenslander.. let me count the ways:

  • Not seeing off the new ball – The primary KPI for an opening batsman is to see off the new ball. In the 13 innings of the 7 Tests that he’s opened this season, Hayden has seen off the new ball twice.

  • Not scoring runs – Secondary KPI for opening batsman is to go on and make a total. During this season he has returned scores of 0(3), 13(40), 0(3), 29(20), 83(154), 16*(29), 16(26), 77(93), 8(16), 0(1), 24(36), 12(13), 4(22). That’s an average of 23.5 (35) [only 12 outs]
  • Old – he turned 37 last month. He’s got 1-2 years on India’s fab 4, even the retired Ganguly is a year younger.
  • severely out of form. His scratching around in our second innings was an embarrassment to watch and further degraded his legacy as a world class batsman. He is now the Denny Crane of Australian cricket.
  • In the way – so much talent is waiting for Hayden to just fúck off. If Phil Jaques were still fit I’d like to thin he’s already gone. Chris Rogers had a shot last year and since moving to Vic has been averaging 83. Sean Marsh top scored in the IPL against world class bowlers while retaining traditional straight strokeplay. Philip Hughes is averaging 59.52 and at only 19 years of age is a superb long term prospect.

Simon Katich

7/10 – Saw out the new ball in each innings in the face of a fired up new ball attack thanks to the moron scratching around at the other end. Played a solid intelligent knock in both innings by leaving anything not on the stumps and turning anything on the pads for a single. Rotated the strike in spite of his goose of a partner. Didn’t give chances until the ball that got him in each innings, and is responsible for turning Hayden’s best efforts at embarrassing team totals into respectable scores. Was unlucky I thought in the first innings to be given lbw to one sliding down leg on 83, but hey, shít gets wickets.

Ricky Ponting

the Batsman – 2/10 – Damn ordinary effort, first ball duck against a pumped Ntini and failed to make amends in the second innings. Still on track for 1000 runs this calendar year but his recent form is far from impressive.
the Captain – 3/10 – outplayed Graeme Smith in the first 3 innings, but that’s not really a glowing commendation. Could have tried something, anything while allowing the Saffas to accumulate the second biggest winning 4th innings total of all time for the loss of just 4 wickets. How about giving Andrew Symonds, Simon Katich or even yourself an over. How about slapping Brett Lee around the head with a wet fish. I’m no fan of this graceful meandering towards the inevitable loss, attack till the bitter death and go down bowling at their heads. At least it’ll quicken the pain.
I truly believe it’s time to hand over the captaincy reigns, Katich, Clarke or Hussey couldn’t do any worse than Rick the díck.

Michael Hussey

3/10 – A rare failure for the Huss, he’s fúcked his average (down to a depressing 61.56) and will be keen to make amends on Boxing Day. While some of the blame for his first innings failure can be given to the muppets above him, his dismissal immediately after Ponting in each innings makes me feel he’s a bit high in the batting order. Moving him back to 5 could be beneficial to the record books. Didn’t see much of him couriering caps around the field either.

Michael Clarke

5/10 – The saviour of our first innings collapse. No number 5 batsman should be coming to the crease at 3/15 in the third over, however Clarke stood up and stopped the rot. Scratchy early in his innings as seems to be his style, once he was in he gained composure until a brain fart cut short what could have been a match turning innings. Failed to make a meal of good conditions in the second dig and ultimately this test will go down as a disappoint for pup as it’s one that he could have taken out of South Africa’s hands.

Andrew Symonds

6/10 – Good starts but failed to capitalise. We need more than 57 runs from our specialist number 6 batsman and I don’t care how annoying their spinner is, spooning it to Mid-On is asking the selectors to reconsider his position. His form looks pretty good but to stick around as a specialist number 6 he’ll have to learn a Test match temperament and will need big runs in Melbourne to keep the sharks at bay. Maybe a few nights on the píss in the silly season will help him to regain his focus. Tough to gauge his all-round contribution considering Ponting didn’t give him a single over in the 4th innings, maybe he’s injured?

Brad Haddin

9/10 – Superb rear guard from the New South Welsh champunisher.. His batting with the tail is improving every knock and while we’ll probably never find another Gilly, we’ve found a new Healy. Can’t begrudge his getting stumped trying to bring up the ton with a 6, that’s the way he bats. Good to see someone wipe that smile of freaking Harris face too.

Jason Krejza

5/10 – I wasn’t expecting huge things from him in Perth and was predictably disappointed with his match aggregate of 1/204 is a very ordinary return when compared to his opposite number Paul Harris who accumulated 5/155! Lacked control and penetration with the ball, however he did trouble all the batsmen and if his control improves will be a real weapon, and his nut to claim Amla in the first innings was a deadset rip-snorter. It’s his batting that elevates him to a 5/10, as his 30* and 32 provided a real sting to the tail as his considered strokeplay and strong cutting made the saffas suffer long after they were due.

Mitchell Johnson

10/10 – Surely this must be the greatest performance in a losing test match? 11 wickets including the best spell of fast bowling I can remember, perhaps challenged by the West Indian greats of the late 70′s who at least had support from the opposite end. Seems to be loving the move to Western Australia and is now surely our number 1 strike bowler. It’s time for Mitch to get the new rock, he is now clearly leading our attack.
There is now solid proof that a player from the winning team will always win man of the match, regardless of the game situation.

Brett Lee

1/10 – Another disappointment from Lee. Bowled with fair pace but was consistently out-sped by Johnson. Match figures of 1/132 are a very ordinary return from an alleged spearhead who has never taken 10 in a match or 6 in an innings. Has struggled since his marriage brake up, and should be feeling some pressure from Watson.

Peter Siddle

3/10 – Has done a great job of learning Brett Lee’s tricks, and never looked very threatening with the ball. Match aggregate of 1/148 could have been so much more, last chance in Melbourne then it’s time to give Douggy Bollinger a shot at the project paceman spot.

The WACA

Two losses in a row to the home side, it’s time for the curator at the WACA to lift. Still not green, bouncy or swingy enough for my liking and heads need to roll for this.

Roy’s path to redemption

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Seems Roy hasn’t done enough to make up for missing that very important last minute team meeting before the Top End Tour in August. You remember the series, we played some one day games against the Kiwi Crushers Bangladesh in Darwin, back in August.

Anyways, Roy’s punishment for going on a pre-booked fishing charter instead of the hastily arranged team meeting to discuss the new seating arrangements for the team bus, is that he was sent home from Darwin and back to club cricket.

The current word is that Roy will have to go through a “staged process” to regain his place. Presumably stage 1 is Watson getting injured, Stage 2 is a jihad on James Sutherland, and Stage 3 is a big wad of cash from his IPL connections.

The main contenders for Jaques’ distinguished position of reserve opening batsman are David Hussey, Brad Hodge and Shaun Marsh. If they’re looking for a like for like replacement they’d have to go Shaun Marsh, as he’s the only one who doesn’t play for Victoria. Unforunately Merv seems to have his way with selections at the moment, so we’ll probably see Brad Hodge ferret like head popping around the nets again.

Really we should be sending an SOS for the Son Of Swampy, he’s an awesome opening batsman and deserves a shot on his own merits. Roy will have to wait for his redemption.

Mohali Massacre – Day 4

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I continue the pain of reviewing the Mohali Massacre as it unfolds.

First the positives

  • Michael Clarke didn’t get out in the last over of the day. For this we can thank Brad Haddin who farmed the strike for the last 12 balls, denying Clarke the opportunity to embarrass himself again.
  • Beer Bullet Points. I made a small pint act as the bullet point marker on BeerandSport.net. This is the only other positive thing to come out of day 4. Isn’t it grand..

And a few negatives

  • Ponting’s public spat with Lee. Rick(y) wanted to make a very public point that he’d lost faith in his strike bowler. Surely these conversations can take place behind closed doors? Where’s the seige mentality? It’s us vs them, once we display for all to see that our unity is threatened, there’s not much left in the tank.
  • Ponting bowling Hussey for 8 overs. It was clear that we were waiting for an Indian declaration. The Indians had wisely maintained a Left/Right batting partnership to ensure the Aussie fielders had to move after each ball, and were going out of their way to fatigue us. So what the bloody hell possessed Rick to bowl Hussey for 8 full overs? Here’s a fúcking brainwave Einstein, lets fatigue the worlds number 1 ranked batsman by having him bowl 50 odd balls under the hot Indian sun. Sure he’s the bloke we’re expecting to farm a lions share of the responsibility for saving the match, surely he’d be better placed to do that with stiffness in his back and shoulders. What did you gain from bowling Hussey? Sure he was kind of tidy, though the Indians kept up the 4.75 rpo so really, on the balance, sweet fúck all. Maybe it was a futile attempt to restore some sense to the over rates.. though if you’re serious about those then don’t change the damn field after ever ball.
  • Troy Cooley. Specialist Bowling Coach. Uh Huh. Seems Troy is a specialist with the Duke and not too bad with the Kookaburra, but when it comes to the SG Ball he’s as clueless as Greg Chappell. The Indians appear to deliver the new SG with a crossed seam, but then only scuff up one side. Are they landing it on the same side each time, or are they doing a damn fine job of polishing the shiny side? Or do they have special mints? Sounds like a job for a bowling coach.
  • Aussie batting collapse. To lose one wicket in a short period is unlucky. Two is foolish. 3 is grossly negligent. 4 either side of a tea break, fúcking atrocious. And to let top knot make the breakthroughs, the pain of it all.
  • Matthew Hayden getting out I can understand, he was entertaining the idea of getting the runs and for a second there even I believed it was possible. So did the Indians, as they moved their field back, released pressure and scrambled to contain the onslaught. Still, if you look at the practice matches and two tests this is a run drought of note for the strong tall left handed fisherman cook from Queensland who occasionally plays a bit of cricket. Time to send an SOS to the Son Of Swampy.
  • Simon Fúcking Katich. His role in this batting line up is the immovable object. 22 off 187 balls, that’s the sort of mettle I wanna see from the Krab, not some completely and utterly shíthouse shot on the stroke of Lunch. What’s this? A ball passing gently by outside my off stump, perhaps I’ll spoon it to point, that’ll show em. Katich gets a two handed HULK SMASH for that písspoor match losing effort.
  • Ricky Ponting
    I had held out hope for hope for match saving Ricky of Manchester 2005, instead we got Ishant’s bítch Rick of Perth 2007. Well he scored some runs in the first test so he’s still in the clear.. but talking of EPIC FAILS:

  • Michael Hussey To be fair I’d stopped watching or caring at this point. I’ll give the Huss some benefit though cause some moron had him bowl 8 overs in the sun which would have done wonders for his legendary concentration.
  • Shane Watson did a pretty decent job and together with Michael Clarke stopped the rot. Shane’s proving to be a pretty useful batsman and has done more than enough to retain his place in the squad.
  • Brad Haddin has also done well, though I wouldn’t stick the house on our holding out past tea. Had we been 2 down at stumps then as Balls of Gold suggested, a sizeable wager on the draw could have been a good bet.

To be dominated so completely with both the bat and ball, I’m starting to understand how it must feel to be English, bad personal hygiene and dentistry aside. Repeat this feeling for 17 years and the open top bus celebrations start to have some context… though I still reckon they overdid it.