The guy is stock standard left-arm orthodox bowler, and from watching him I can’t help but feel he does not deserve to carry the scalps of the best players of spin in the modern game, such as

• K Pietersen (twice), once on 94
• V Sehwag (twice)
• S Ganguly
• Inzamam-ul-Haq
• VVS Laxman
• MS Dhoni
• CH Gayle
• SR Tendulkar
• Yuvraj Singh
• MJ Clarke
• A Symonds

Some bloke on the radio yesterday presented a workable theory on the Harris Factor. Apparently the guy is a complete wánker. Whether he learnt this strategy from Harbajahn or is a total knob jockey at heart I’m not sure, but giving the ball to the biggest prick in the team and letting him loose seems to be reaping dividends.

Mind you, it’s no small feat out-árseholing Smith, Kallis, and Nel, but apparently it’s his unique combination of lacking variation and skill mixed with his constant appeals as if to suggest to the batsmen that he could get you out at any time that has the worlds best batsmen drowning in honey.

His stats back this up as well, with 70% of his victims being caught in the field believing that they could hit this annoying piece of saffa shít into next week.

Paul Harris method of dismissal

What a great ground for cricket

Here’s a brainwave though, move the series to Fiji. They’ve been an associate member of the ICC since 1965, and have contested 7 ICC Champions trophies, the most recent in 2001. Now I’m not an administrative genius or anything, but I reckon playing cricket in Fiji could be a good way to grow the game there.

The tests can be held at the Fiji National Stadium in Suva (pictured). It’s got a 30,000 seat capacity and due to the athletics track around the perimeter has a good oval shape to it. A drop-in pitch can be shipped up from Australia at the BCCI’s expense, I believe they grow them in Darwin for the MCG.

The beauty of this plan revolves around the crowd attendance. Fiji has over 300,000 Indians who account for a staggering 37% of the population. Unlike complacent Indian crowds who couldn’t even be buggered to watch Sachin break the Test run record, these Fijian Indians might actually show up to the match and provide what used to be known as ‘atmosphere’.

What’s more it’s really nice in Fiji. Freddy can get pissed and peddle boats around. Harmy can bowl wides, and KP can take his team on a big game fishing trip to help them get over the loss of Stanford’s millions..

Katich Beard's a Hatrick

Day 3 in Delhi will be a day of demon slaying. Simon Katich doesn’t shave this morning and now has a beard, which is instrumental in his bearding up a quick century, before a mid-pitch collision with Gambhir that leads to his run out. Both players are summoned before Chris Broad for spirit of the game violations.

Ricky Ponting comes in last over before lunch and hits 28 off Kumble to get his eye in. The next two sessions are absolute mayhem with Ricky and Haydo’s going at 9.33 runs an over. By stumps Ricky is on 281* and Hayden 401* of which 202 came off Zaheer Khan, or Haydo’s bítch as he’s now known. Australia are sitting pretty overnight at 1/788. Brian Lara is spewing to have lost both big records in the same series.

Ricky and Haydos retire overnight and Australia open Day 4 with T20 specialists Cameron White and Shane Watson batting. They bat for exactly 20 overs and put on a further 220 runs (White 118* and Watson 102*) before Ricky declares 395 runs ahead at 3/1008.

Katich opens the bowling with Brett Lee. In his first over he has Sehwag caught and bowled off the back of his bat when his reverse sweep gets all tangled up. Next over Gambhir charges down the pitch at Katich, but Simon says no and fires the ball hard down leg. Haddin completes the stumping.

Dravid is caught the very next ball by Ponting who still refuses to wear a helmet at silly mid and Katto’s on a hatrick. VVS walks to the crease to the sound of 350 Indian fans screaming (another great day for crowd attendance). Katto bowls him the wrongun and VVS again fails to pick it, shouldering arms to the ball that beards him outside the line of off but has done enough to convince Billy to raise his crooked finger. 4/28.

Tendulkar is next to go, retired hurt by a corker of a delivery from Stuart Clark, that picthed on a good length and reared up viciously, smashing him on the neck. A helicopter is flown in and Tendulkar is medically evacuated. I hope he’s ok.

Play resumes and Ganguly takes 6 minutes to appear at the crease, and even then with two left gloves. Ponting appeals and the Prince of Calcutta is timed out.

Full credit for Dhoni’s wicket goes to Steve Waugh, though I doubt you’ll hear that story from Cameron White. Dhoni blocked a regulation straight delivery then it bounced back towards the stumps only for Dhoni to knock it clear with his gloved hand. Handled ball. White cried. Again. 7/84, 311 behind.

Brett Lee and Stuart Clark cleaned up the tail, with only Mishra providing some resistance with a hard fought 120. Australia win by an innings and 240 runs. Katto beards man of the match. True Story.

• grief
• severe pain

I don’t see maiden test wicket on the list, even if it is the great Sachin Tendulkar.

If you want to go all snag then stay in bloody Melbourne with the other nancy Victorians. Can you imagine had Lillie or Thomson started bawling after making a breakthrough? I think not.

It was a good toss to win, but so was the toss we won in Bonnydoon or whatever they’re calling Bangalore this month.

Rudi Koetzen is having a barry crocker. He’s happy to refer 4′s to the third umpire but when it comes to a close stumping on Ganguly he’ll just say not out. Turns out Gangers foot was in the air as Haddin removed the bails, and Gangers went on to notch up a hundred, so yes this did hurt Australia. It’s the worst mistake the Colonel has made since not referring Kumble’s caught and bowled on Ponting in Bonnydoon, though that mistake only cost India 10 runs.

The writing was on the wall for Australia when Kumble was dropped. Not only do they get a proper leggie in Mishra who turns it a mile, has 300 domestic wickets, and possesses one hell of a deceptive wrongun, but they get Dhoni as captain who has inspired them in the field and suddenly remembered how to bat. Assuming his fitness returns Kumble may get to carry the drinks in the third test.

Credit must go to the Indian Batsmen, though it must be said if they were to have any concers, it should be all of their batsmen making starts on a road against undisciplined bowling and not going on with it. Still, to have a question mark over the batting and make 470, it could be worse.

And by worse, I mean Australia. Hayden failed again, and this time he can’t blame the umpire. Had Jaques not gone home with a buggered back he would be looking good for the 3rd test. I was most upset when Hussey gave Clarke the strike for the last over on Day 3, as Clarke is now officially a final over bunny. Each time he goes out right before stumps I die a little inside. Hussey has ridden one hell of a lot of luck and still only made 50. Ponting went to the new ball that Hayden shouldn’t be exposing him too, probably too early to judge.

This is hardly news, but we are sorely missing a quality spinner. White has bowled better than expected, but I expected him to bowl 3 pies per over and he has only delivered 1 every 12 balls. So he’s been tight, but not threatening. Mishra has given him a lesson in turn, deception and bounce.

Johnson must have pissed Punter off, cause as our best paceman in both tests he would have expected to get the new ball. Siddle must be the chosen one in Pontings eyes, and his treatment couldn’t be further from that given to Tait, who was hyped all week in the press then held back till the last over before lunch on a juicy WACA wicket. He has bowled pretty well on debut, with lots of short stuff and the standard Victorian debutant first wicket of Tendulkar, but in truth offers little difference from Lee and really Bollinger should be there.

A fit Stuart Clark is sorely sorely missed. Nesta best articulated what he provides to the side

It’s been a long time since we haven’t had a clever back of the length bowler in the team – McGrath debuted in ‘93 – and although the Indians have problems too, this is the least confident I’ve been about a winning a Test since petrol broke the 50 cent barrier.

The only department in which Australia have been ahead is bums on seats – we’ve got a clear majority for paying patrons. If it weren’t for the Mohalians giving away free seats to kiddies Tendulkar would have broken the record in front of 240 travelling Aussies and his Mum.

Jim Maxwell and Spanky were on the radio and went into some detail on how one goes about securing a ticket to the match. You have to go to a bank in central Mohali and buy a 5 day pass. There is no single day pass, and no option to buy a ticket at the ground. The bank was presumably closed on Sunday. Go India.

Cameron White (31 overs, 1/88, 2.8 rpo) bowled much better than expected. He has a similar style of leg spin to Anil Kumble (51 overs, 0/160, 3.2 rpo) in that he doens’t turn it much and relies more on bounce. He was bowling to players who are regarded as better players of spin, and that 1 wicket should be noted was a well set Sachin Tendulkar, albeit mid hissy fit about the light. As Mark Waugh said, Sachin middled it so can’t really blame the light for his shot.

Simon Katich was a good choice as opener. In India we need a Dravid style anchor who isn’t too fussed with the business of scoring runs so much as not getting out. Sure it’s un-australian, that’s why we had to get a West Aussie in to fill the role.

Good to see that Rick(y)’s got his mojo back, scoring 100 in India and an attacking declaration albeit pushed by the weather. Does he realise that, as captain, the camera spends an innordinate amount of time on him? This makes it harder to get away with picking your nose, or spitting into your hands then rubbing the golly around. Why doesn’t he wear a helmet when fielding at silly mid off? Sure it’s hot and the Baggy Green is an icon, but is there not a safety aspect to this as well? Maybe, just maybe he’s taken some inspiration from Vivian Richards and bats without a helmet too. That’d be cool.