Leaked exclusively to Beer and Sport, here’s the hurt feelings report filed by Cameron White after Sachin Tendulkar mad him cry.
Victorian Girly-boy
Posts Tagged ‘Sachin Tendulkar’
Cameron White’s Feelings
January 29th, 2009
The Harris Factor
December 18th, 2008Harris doesn’t look the greatest bowler in the world, however the Rhodesian born off-spinner now has 49 Test Wickets and amongst them are some names that would make Cameron White cry.
The guy is stock standard left-arm orthodox bowler, and from watching him I can’t help but feel he does not deserve to carry the scalps of the best players of spin in the modern game, such as
- K Pietersen (twice), once on 94
- V Sehwag (twice)
- S Ganguly
- Inzamam-ul-Haq
- VVS Laxman
- MS Dhoni
- CH Gayle
- SR Tendulkar
- Yuvraj Singh
- MJ Clarke
- A Symonds
Some bloke on the radio yesterday presented a workable theory on the Harris Factor. Apparently the guy is a complete wánker. Whether he learnt this strategy from Harbajahn or is a total knob jockey at heart I’m not sure, but giving the ball to the biggest prick in the team and letting him loose seems to be reaping dividends.
Mind you, it’s no small feat out-árseholing Smith, Kallis, and Nel, but apparently it’s his unique combination of lacking variation and skill mixed with his constant appeals as if to suggest to the batsmen that he could get you out at any time that has the worlds best batsmen drowning in honey.
His stats back this up as well, with 70% of his victims being caught in the field believing that they could hit this annoying piece of saffa shít into next week.
Paul Harris method of dismissal
England v India series moved to Fiji
December 5th, 2008
What a great ground for cricket
Here’s a brainwave though, move the series to Fiji. They’ve been an associate member of the ICC since 1965, and have contested 7 ICC Champions trophies, the most recent in 2001. Now I’m not an administrative genius or anything, but I reckon playing cricket in Fiji could be a good way to grow the game there.
The tests can be held at the Fiji National Stadium in Suva (pictured). It’s got a 30,000 seat capacity and due to the athletics track around the perimeter has a good oval shape to it. A drop-in pitch can be shipped up from Australia at the BCCI’s expense, I believe they grow them in Darwin for the MCG.
The beauty of this plan revolves around the crowd attendance. Fiji has over 300,000 Indians who account for a staggering 37% of the population. Unlike complacent Indian crowds who couldn’t even be buggered to watch Sachin break the Test run record, these Fijian Indians might actually show up to the match and provide what used to be known as ‘atmosphere’.
What’s more it’s really nice in Fiji. Freddy can get pissed and peddle boats around. Harmy can bowl wides, and KP can take his team on a big game fishing trip to help them get over the loss of Stanford’s millions..
Slaying Demons on the Delhi Road
October 31st, 2008
Katich Beard's a Hatrick
Day 3 in Delhi will be a day of demon slaying. Simon Katich doesn’t shave this morning and now has a beard, which is instrumental in his bearding up a quick century, before a mid-pitch collision with Gambhir that leads to his run out. Both players are summoned before Chris Broad for spirit of the game violations.
Ricky Ponting comes in last over before lunch and hits 28 off Kumble to get his eye in. The next two sessions are absolute mayhem with Ricky and Haydo’s going at 9.33 runs an over. By stumps Ricky is on 281* and Hayden 401* of which 202 came off Zaheer Khan, or Haydo’s bítch as he’s now known. Australia are sitting pretty overnight at 1/788. Brian Lara is spewing to have lost both big records in the same series.
Ricky and Haydos retire overnight and Australia open Day 4 with T20 specialists Cameron White and Shane Watson batting. They bat for exactly 20 overs and put on a further 220 runs (White 118* and Watson 102*) before Ricky declares 395 runs ahead at 3/1008.
Katich opens the bowling with Brett Lee. In his first over he has Sehwag caught and bowled off the back of his bat when his reverse sweep gets all tangled up. Next over Gambhir charges down the pitch at Katich, but Simon says no and fires the ball hard down leg. Haddin completes the stumping.
Dravid is caught the very next ball by Ponting who still refuses to wear a helmet at silly mid and Katto’s on a hatrick. VVS walks to the crease to the sound of 350 Indian fans screaming (another great day for crowd attendance). Katto bowls him the wrongun and VVS again fails to pick it, shouldering arms to the ball that beards him outside the line of off but has done enough to convince Billy to raise his crooked finger. 4/28.
Tendulkar is next to go, retired hurt by a corker of a delivery from Stuart Clark, that picthed on a good length and reared up viciously, smashing him on the neck. A helicopter is flown in and Tendulkar is medically evacuated. I hope he’s ok.
Play resumes and Ganguly takes 6 minutes to appear at the crease, and even then with two left gloves. Ponting appeals and the Prince of Calcutta is timed out.
Full credit for Dhoni’s wicket goes to Steve Waugh, though I doubt you’ll hear that story from Cameron White. Dhoni blocked a regulation straight delivery then it bounced back towards the stumps only for Dhoni to knock it clear with his gloved hand. Handled ball. White cried. Again. 7/84, 311 behind.
Brett Lee and Stuart Clark cleaned up the tail, with only Mishra providing some resistance with a hard fought 120. Australia win by an innings and 240 runs. Katto beards man of the match. True Story.
Does crying make you gay?
October 29th, 2008According to the rules of manhood, it’s ok for a man to cry in the following circumstances
- grief
- severe pain
I don’t see maiden test wicket on the list, even if it is the great Sachin Tendulkar.
If you want to go all snag then stay in bloody Melbourne with the other nancy Victorians. Can you imagine had Lillie or Thomson started bawling after making a breakthrough? I think not.
