Curiously the selectors have waited for his form to wane before selecting him, in this years (victorious!) Twenty20 campaign he scored 62 at 12.4 and took 3 wickets at 40.33. His one innings of note was 42 off 25 when he opened against Tasmania.

• v QLD – 3(4) and 4 overs 2/26

• v WA – 9*(5) and 2 overs 0/14
• v SA – 6(6) and 3 overs 0/27
• v TAS – 42(25) and 2 overs 1/24
• v VIC – 1(4) and DNB
• v VIC – 1(9) and 3 overs 1/30

Whatever, he’s made the cut and I fully support the inclusion of more young players from Australia’s best domestic Twenty20 team. An added bonus is his name is so similar to my own that it’s almost as if I’m playing for Australia, just look for the drunk, overweight and unfit guy (no, not Jesse Ryder) on Sunday.

Aussie Squad for Twenty20 on Sunday

Michael Clarke (c) – NSW , 27
Brad Haddin (vc) – NSW , 31
Nathan Bracken – NSW , 31
Callum Ferguson – SA , 24
Moises Henriques – NSW , 22
Ben Hilfenhaus – TAS , 25
James Hopes – QLD , 30
David Hussey – VIC , 31
Mitchell Johnson – WA , 27
Peter Siddle – VIC , 24
Adam Voges – WA , 29
David Warner – NSW , 22
Cameron White – VIC , 25

Hussey and Ponting have been “rested”, I suspect Rick’s never played a T20 against New Zealand.

They’ve name a 13 man squad, which is a bit rude for the one discarded player who’ll also miss this round of the Sheffield Shield. Hopefully they’ll give him a bucket to collect donations.

Vitamin Whóre

By contrast, I and I’m guessing most of you have worked 21 days this year and are coping just fine.. and that’s without any multi-vitamins to keep us regular. Is it possible that Ricky’s taking the wrong ones? Perhaps he went for the Guarana and accidentally grabbed the Monkey faeces?

If my ship were sinking I’d be the last off.

Perhaps the corporate function is more to your budget, where you’ll get endless bottles of Crown Lager – officialy Australia’s worst beer in Australia’s prettiest bottle, not to mention Wolfblass Wines as endorsed by Stuart MacGill himself, unless Roy drinks them dry. Throw in accommodation at the Langham Hotel and the $1,175 per person is the cheapest night out this side of Sizzler.

Don’t delay in sending your cash as you could be up close and personal with the team who not only lost to India in India, but also lost at home to South Africa in both a test and ODI series. This is your very own opportunity to be amongst the exclusive and limited 1,500 guests and tens of thousands of TV viewers who get to see the former world number 1′s on big screen TV’s.

What’s more, you can join the rampant speculation of who’ll win this most prestegious of awards, judged over the 12 Test matches played since the 2008 AB gong was taken out by Brett Lee. There were tours to the West Indies and India, plus we hosted New Zealand and South Africa this year. Here’s the candidates for the AB Medal with Moses’ odds attached

The Good

• 2:1 | Mitchell Johnson with 54 wickets at 27.07 plus 327 very handy runs at 21.8 (comparable to Hayden). Mitchell is also unbackable favourite to bring the hottest date for the night.

• 2:1 | Simon Katich who made the most of his return to Test Cricket with 1129 runs at 56.45, and even managed a wicket from the 19 overs Ricky gave him
• 3:1 | Michael Clarke with 1019 runs at 56.61 and 6 wickets at 69.33
• 50:1 | Phil Jaques who scored 243 at 40.83 from 3 Tests before being dropped for Hayden, then picked up a back injury.
• 75:1 | Brad Haddin with 736 runs at 38.73, 42 catches and netting the record for most byes by an Australian ‘keeper
• 225:1 | Peter Siddle debuted quietly enough but has grown into a fair backup for Johnson. His 4 tests netted 17 runs at 31.29, while his batting picked up 75 runs at 15. He’s injured now too.

The Bad

• 40:1 | Michael Hussey with 721 runs at 34.33 and breakthrough wicket of Paul Harris
• 70:1 | Brett Lee battled divorce, poor form and injury yet still took 39 wickets at 36.69
• 80:1 | Shane Watson who’s body held up for 5 Tests was able to score 176 at 19.55 and take 12 wickets at 31.25. Then he broke his back.
• 1000:1 | Beau Casson went to the Windies as MacGilla’s understudy, then Stuey pulled the cork on his career and Casson got a Test. His figures of 1/129 were enough to have him not only dropped from the team but also have his CA contract not renewed.

The Ugly

• 40:1 | Ricky Ponting’s captaincy record of 5 wins (2 NZ, 2 WI, 1 SA), 4 losses and a 3 draws as captain. His batting has also slipped with 974 runs at 44.27
• 100:1 | Cameron White. Picked as our specialist spinner on turning tracks in India, he sort of tied up one end for a little while and scraped 5 wickets at 68.4, which surprised him so much he cried. Our very own Ashley Giles, he also hit 146 runs at 29.2. Dropped for the dead rubber for Krezja, who took 12 wickets.
• 500:1 | Stuart MacGill took 5 wickets at 65, and probably wishes Warney retired 5 years ago.
• 500:1 | Matthew Hayden dominating all comers with 383 runs at 23.93
• 300:1 | Andrew Symonds the “all rounder” who bowled under 6 overs per innings and picked up 2 wickets at 65. Oh, he’s a batsman now. Fair enough then. Well, he scored 431 runs at 39.18 and with a high score of 79 from his 13 innings with 10 starts he was unable to convert any to a century. Also made the front pages for all the wrong reasons. Faced a suspension for going fishing instead of playing Cricket, called Prince Brendan a lump of shit, enjoyed glancing at Hayden’s wife and was generally a prize clown

Australia

Our bowling lineup looks at it’s strongest so far in the series with Shaun Tait and Mitchell Johnson playing together at last. Mitchell’s troubled the Saffas more than any other bowler on this tour so having him back after a rest will be a big bonus.

Hilfenhaus has shown some of the potential that I keep talking up this series, and bowled a heap of garbage too. He and Ryan Harris have been dropped for tomorrow’s game to make room for Tait and Johnson. I’d really like to see ‘Dirty’ Dirk Nannes given a shot, preferably in a way that forces him to miss tomorrow night’s Twenty20 final at the SCG

Shaun Marsh has blasted off the cobwebs of his sub-par domestic season with 78 and 79, here’s to a century from the Son of Swampy. The only question remaining in our lineup is which Queenslander to not play at number 8. Here’s hoping my boy Dave Warner starts middling them again tonight, if not can we have him back for tomorrow?

South Africa

Johan Botha throws like a girl, and his action is dodgy as hell but at least the teams over rate is improving. AB ‘c’ DeVilliers should be be getting back on the horse that threw him, look for Ricky to bring Tait on as soon as he’s in. The overly hyped Vaughn van Jaarsveld has been dropped, much like the multiple chances that have fallen through his hands and snuck past his bat.

We’re still looking for a way to negate JP Duminy, hopefully Tait can maim him as I just can’t see us getting him out the old fashioned way.

Free Stuff

If you’re going to the match tonight, hold on to your ticket as it’ll work at Homebush for the Twenty20 final tomorrow as well. We’re hoping to take the record for highest attendance at a domestic Twenty20 game from the Vics in addition to the Big Bash Trophy, so giving tickets away seemed like a good plan. To be honest I reckon they should give all tickets away and make cash off food/drink/merchandise, or charge a token amount to get the bums on seats. Still, $20 aint too bad..

The Teams

Australia 1 Shaun Marsh, 2 David Warner, 3 Ricky Ponting (capt), 4 Michael Hussey, 5 David Hussey, 6 Cameron White, 7 Brad Haddin (wk), 8 James Hopes/Nathan Hauritz, 9 Mitchell Johnson, 10 Nathan Bracken, 11 Shaun Tait.

South Africa (possible) 1 Herschelle Gibbs, 2 Hashim Amla, 3 Jacques Kallis, 4 AB de Villiers, 5 JP Duminy, 6 Neil McKenzie, 7 Mark Boucher (wk), 8 Albie Morkel, 9 Johan Botha (capt), 10 Dale Steyn/Morne Morkel, 11 Makhaya Ntini.

Used Car Salesman

Our chase tactics yesterday worked very well, one batsman grafting and the other dominating. Katich played a superb knock and ensured there was no batting collapse while Hayden and Ponting rocketed along at close to a run a ball.

Then Ponting got out and the wheels came off. Michael Hussey joined Simon Katich and we had two grafters happy to leave the short and wide balls in the pursuit of a big total. Had Ponting shown some flexibility and identified roles for his batsmen, Michael Clarke, Brad Haddin or Mitchell Johnson would have been the next man in and we’d have a further 50 runs in the bank.

I’m really missing the pre-declaration slog, we’ve got the cattle in our squad and to declare without giving Haddin or Johnson a swing makes no sense to me. Perhaps it’s bought about through denial of Hussey’s form?

This would have pushed their required run rate closer to 3.75, a considerable lift from 3.30. Plus we’d have handed them the opportunity to chase the highest 4th innings total of all time to go with the ODI record we gave them in Joburg.

Either way, if this had stuck we’d be sitting a lot happier

9.4 Siddle to Amla, 2 runs, Haddin’s dropped him! Thats a good delivery from Siddle, pitching and straightening off a length, Amla pushes at it off the back foot and gets a healthy edge but Haddin, diving low to his right, fluffs the take, tough though it was

So now we declare giving them 24 overs today and a further 90 tomorrow totalling around 114. The target is 375 so they’ll need to score at 3.3 rpo to win the test! Given the history of this series so far that’s not even a long shot!

So now Ponting finds some balls! A shame he didn’t use them in the 4th Test in India, but balls are balls. The Saffas have a real shot at winning this test now. Personally I’d have batted another hour till we were 450 ahead then let em have it.

We should still win, and with a slight possibility of showers tomorrow Pontings’ given us the best chance of taking 20 wickets. If we are to lose though….

Edit: Douggie just got his first Test wicket! Sure it’s Morne Morkel but he’s an opening batsman now.

Boony reckons he got a roughie on this lbw decision, to be honest it looked pretty out to me – maybe struck him outside the line of off but it doesn’t even approach Aleem Dar’s level of incompetence circa 2005.

What I love about this clip though is just how pissed off the little Tasmanian gets. Swearing his head off at the umpire and all the way to the boundary and then some. The crowd duly pitch in with the búllshít chant and everyone gets on with the game.

I wonder what penalty Boony would cop for this under today’s ICC Code of Conduct? It’d have to be a Level 2 offence minimum as he is definitely “showing serious dissent at an umpire’s decision by word or action” in addition to “using language or a gesture that is obscene, offensive or of a seriously insulting nature to another player, umpire, referee, team official or spectator.” A Level 2 offence would cop a 50% to 100% of match fee fine in addition to a 1 Test or 2 ODI ban.

Here’s a few recent examples of dissent and the penalty imposed

Level 1 offences

Lecture

Stuart Broad questioned the verdict of umpire Russell Tiffin to award a wide.
“I got called into the match referees’ office for dissent, but it was just a talking-to, nothing more than that.” said Broad “I’d have probably been fined my whole match fee if my dad had been the ref”

20% fine

Jacob Oram was given lbw by Australian umpire Steve Davis and openly showed his disgust at the decision by glaring at his bat then punching it on his walk away from the crease.

30% fine

Ricky Ponting was fined for moving from his fielding position towards the pitch as part of his appeal, appearing dismayed by the umpire’s decision and in the wake of that decision appearing to make a comment to the official.

40% fine

Adam Gilchrist pleaded guilty and was found by match referee Jeff Crowe to have breached the ICC’s code of conduct when he questioned a run-out decision by umpire Aleem Dar during a one-day international against South Africa.

Level 2 offences

65% fine

Virender Sehwag was on Sunday docked 65 per cent of his match fee for exchanging words with Umpire Billy Bowden after he was declared leg before wicket on the fourth day’s play on Saturday. Considering his past record, it was decided to only penalise him with a fine.

75% fine

Moin Khan stood his ground after being given out leg-before to Irfan Pathan by Simon Taufel on the fourth day of the match.

Left Arm Chinaman

Sure our spinning stocks look depleted, but replacing a genuine attacking off-spinner for Ashley fúcking Giles is beyond obscene. This Queensland reject can’t even get a start for his new state who already depleted with 5 players on National Service. To look at the spinning options available he’s unlikely to feature in a top 5 of those who are actually playing domestic cricket, many of whom can also bat. Anyway, looks like we’re stuck with the prick while the quicks take wickets from the other end, and at least he can help us draw matches with his defensive lines.

What really has me stumped though, is what the hell is wrong with Ponting that he just refuses to bowl Simon Katich? After giving him for a few overs early on in India and seeing how well he turned the ball he’s been pretty much completely ignored with the ball. Perhaps the aggression that Katto brings to the task of bowling that doens’t fit with Pontings ideals of a metrosexual bollywood singing bowler?

If fit, Katto’s bowling record should at the very least get him at few token overs. Let us compare him to our specialist spinner, Nathan Hauritz.

Katich has taken 87 1st class wickets to Hauritz’ 81, despite Hauritz having bowled 40% more deliveries. Katto averages 37.8 compared to Hauritz 47.2, roughly 20% less. His strike Rate is 62.5 compared to Hauritz 93.8, which is to say it takes Hauritz approximately 1/3 more deliveries to pick up a wicket than Katich.

Katich has bowled fewer balls in 4.5 times more matches, so it’d be a safe assumption that he bowls many fewer overs per match. In spite of this, Katto has three 5 wicket hauls to Hauritz none.

Best figures in a first class match? 7/130 for Katto, again shades the Queenslanders best figures of 4/95.

How fúcking good am I?

Instead what do we get from the inbred hairy armed Tasmanian reject? Well, firstly he blamed the WACA pitch for not deteriorating

“I think there’s certainly an advantage to batting second on this ground.”

Well here’s a brainwave Einstein, you won the fúcking toss, why did you choose to bat? I know you only play a match every four years but do you not at least follow the Sheffield Shield?

Next move, he blames the bowlers! Sure Lee, Krejza and Siddle claimed 3 wickets between them and need a barrage of uppercuts (especially bollywood Brett), but to neglect to mention the failures of the batsmen when Hayden, Hussey and Ricky himself scored 56 runs between them in 6 Innings deadset embarrassing.

“We have to look at that,” Ponting said after the defeat. “We have to think about the style of bowlers we’ve got in the side at the moment, with the conditions that we’re going to be confronted with in Melbourne and Sydney work out if we think they’re the best guys to win us the next two games. If they’re not then we have to make some changes.”

So, when did Ricky become a selector? Why no mention of the 5th day of defensive fields when we needed wickets to win the game, and how bout some batsmen who score runs?

Matty Crane

Matthew Hayden

-15/10 – So completely and utterly shít that he destroys my “out of 10 scale” before it’s even begun. Useless fat bástard should have gone out on top in 2006, he’s surely only in it for the money now. The selectors talk about picking players on form, now is the time to act on this. I have so much rage for this Queenslander.. let me count the ways:

• Not seeing off the new ball – The primary KPI for an opening batsman is to see off the new ball. In the 13 innings of the 7 Tests that he’s opened this season, Hayden has seen off the new ball twice.

• Not scoring runs – Secondary KPI for opening batsman is to go on and make a total. During this season he has returned scores of 0(3), 13(40), 0(3), 29(20), 83(154), 16*(29), 16(26), 77(93), 8(16), 0(1), 24(36), 12(13), 4(22). That’s an average of 23.5 (35) [only 12 outs]
• Old – he turned 37 last month. He’s got 1-2 years on India’s fab 4, even the retired Ganguly is a year younger.
• severely out of form. His scratching around in our second innings was an embarrassment to watch and further degraded his legacy as a world class batsman. He is now the Denny Crane of Australian cricket.
• In the way – so much talent is waiting for Hayden to just fúck off. If Phil Jaques were still fit I’d like to thin he’s already gone. Chris Rogers had a shot last year and since moving to Vic has been averaging 83. Sean Marsh top scored in the IPL against world class bowlers while retaining traditional straight strokeplay. Philip Hughes is averaging 59.52 and at only 19 years of age is a superb long term prospect.

Simon Katich

7/10 – Saw out the new ball in each innings in the face of a fired up new ball attack thanks to the moron scratching around at the other end. Played a solid intelligent knock in both innings by leaving anything not on the stumps and turning anything on the pads for a single. Rotated the strike in spite of his goose of a partner. Didn’t give chances until the ball that got him in each innings, and is responsible for turning Hayden’s best efforts at embarrassing team totals into respectable scores. Was unlucky I thought in the first innings to be given lbw to one sliding down leg on 83, but hey, shít gets wickets.

Ricky Ponting

the Batsman – 2/10 – Damn ordinary effort, first ball duck against a pumped Ntini and failed to make amends in the second innings. Still on track for 1000 runs this calendar year but his recent form is far from impressive.
the Captain – 3/10 – outplayed Graeme Smith in the first 3 innings, but that’s not really a glowing commendation. Could have tried something, anything while allowing the Saffas to accumulate the second biggest winning 4th innings total of all time for the loss of just 4 wickets. How about giving Andrew Symonds, Simon Katich or even yourself an over. How about slapping Brett Lee around the head with a wet fish. I’m no fan of this graceful meandering towards the inevitable loss, attack till the bitter death and go down bowling at their heads. At least it’ll quicken the pain.
I truly believe it’s time to hand over the captaincy reigns, Katich, Clarke or Hussey couldn’t do any worse than Rick the díck.

Michael Hussey

3/10 – A rare failure for the Huss, he’s fúcked his average (down to a depressing 61.56) and will be keen to make amends on Boxing Day. While some of the blame for his first innings failure can be given to the muppets above him, his dismissal immediately after Ponting in each innings makes me feel he’s a bit high in the batting order. Moving him back to 5 could be beneficial to the record books. Didn’t see much of him couriering caps around the field either.

Michael Clarke

5/10 – The saviour of our first innings collapse. No number 5 batsman should be coming to the crease at 3/15 in the third over, however Clarke stood up and stopped the rot. Scratchy early in his innings as seems to be his style, once he was in he gained composure until a brain fart cut short what could have been a match turning innings. Failed to make a meal of good conditions in the second dig and ultimately this test will go down as a disappoint for pup as it’s one that he could have taken out of South Africa’s hands.

Andrew Symonds

6/10 – Good starts but failed to capitalise. We need more than 57 runs from our specialist number 6 batsman and I don’t care how annoying their spinner is, spooning it to Mid-On is asking the selectors to reconsider his position. His form looks pretty good but to stick around as a specialist number 6 he’ll have to learn a Test match temperament and will need big runs in Melbourne to keep the sharks at bay. Maybe a few nights on the píss in the silly season will help him to regain his focus. Tough to gauge his all-round contribution considering Ponting didn’t give him a single over in the 4th innings, maybe he’s injured?

Brad Haddin

9/10 – Superb rear guard from the New South Welsh champunisher.. His batting with the tail is improving every knock and while we’ll probably never find another Gilly, we’ve found a new Healy. Can’t begrudge his getting stumped trying to bring up the ton with a 6, that’s the way he bats. Good to see someone wipe that smile of freaking Harris face too.

Jason Krejza

5/10 – I wasn’t expecting huge things from him in Perth and was predictably disappointed with his match aggregate of 1/204 is a very ordinary return when compared to his opposite number Paul Harris who accumulated 5/155! Lacked control and penetration with the ball, however he did trouble all the batsmen and if his control improves will be a real weapon, and his nut to claim Amla in the first innings was a deadset rip-snorter. It’s his batting that elevates him to a 5/10, as his 30* and 32 provided a real sting to the tail as his considered strokeplay and strong cutting made the saffas suffer long after they were due.

Mitchell Johnson

10/10 – Surely this must be the greatest performance in a losing test match? 11 wickets including the best spell of fast bowling I can remember, perhaps challenged by the West Indian greats of the late 70′s who at least had support from the opposite end. Seems to be loving the move to Western Australia and is now surely our number 1 strike bowler. It’s time for Mitch to get the new rock, he is now clearly leading our attack.
There is now solid proof that a player from the winning team will always win man of the match, regardless of the game situation.

Brett Lee

1/10 – Another disappointment from Lee. Bowled with fair pace but was consistently out-sped by Johnson. Match figures of 1/132 are a very ordinary return from an alleged spearhead who has never taken 10 in a match or 6 in an innings. Has struggled since his marriage brake up, and should be feeling some pressure from Watson.

Peter Siddle

3/10 – Has done a great job of learning Brett Lee’s tricks, and never looked very threatening with the ball. Match aggregate of 1/148 could have been so much more, last chance in Melbourne then it’s time to give Douggy Bollinger a shot at the project paceman spot.

The WACA

Two losses in a row to the home side, it’s time for the curator at the WACA to lift. Still not green, bouncy or swingy enough for my liking and heads need to roll for this.