Your Shout
Most countries with beer cultures have unwritten rules about how to act and behave in the pub. To many who travel to Australia from the USA or Europe (UK excluded), the culture and behavior of drinkers may be, somewhat in lack of a better word, “foreign”. Australian readers will be familiar with these rules, but for everyone else they are as follows;
1. Always keep your beer in your hand, touching your plate or as close to the edge of the table as possible. Don’t leave it in the middle of the table as this can become confusing when many people are drinking at the table.
This could be dangerous and lead to spilt beer. I like to leave my beer at the back right hand corner of my plate, or if there’s no plate then it stays one elbow to hand length from the edge, usually with my hand lurking about 1 inch from the beer to stand guard while not imparting any undue heat from my beer into the hand.
2. Free beer should always be consumed at a pace greater than that of a beer which had been bought by you or someone in your shouting party.
One can never complain about the brand of free beer, only the temperature at which it’s served.
3. Never accept a beer if you do not intend to shout on that evening. Shouting “next time” is not acceptable no matter how much interest is involved. This leaves the rest of your drinking party agitated and they will say bad things about you after you leave, or if they’ve had a few this may lead to violence.
I agree in principle, however there are exceptions to this rule. I have a workmate and we have a pub lunch every Tuesday and Friday, where three beers are consumed. There’s no option for a fourth beer cause we have to go back to work, so we alternate the third beer. This is by unspoken arrangement but works flawlessly.
4. Even worse than the previous rule is accepting beers from the drinking party and then just buying one for yourself when it is your turn. If you make it home without at least one broken bone you should consider yourself lucky!
Scum act, is castration too harsh?
5. If you are falling behind in the rounds, complaining that you ate too much is not a legitimate excuse. You should have foreseen the night of drinking ahead and not filled your beer stomach with food. The beer stomach must be kept separate from the food stomach at all times.
For the weak of stomach I have no problem with them opting out of having a round bought for them, however they’re still up for a full shout when it comes around to their turn. They also accept they’re be called “lemonade sandwich” for the remainder of the session as nothing is softer than a lemonade sandwich apart from AJ Whalley.
6. If the beer is served in a stubbie, pouring it into a glass to drink is simply not acceptable.
It’s already in a glass, why pour it into another (warmer) glass? Coopers could be the exception here, on occasion, due to the brewed in the bottle process, assuming that the glass is chilled. I used laugh at the air hostesses on QANTAS flights who offer me a plastic cup to pour the Crownie into, I’m only drinking Crown Lager because it’s in a bottle! Now they sell it in Aluminium Crownie shaped ‘cans’.. weird.
7. It is a well understood obligation that slower drinkers in a shout must attempt to keep pace with the faster members of a shout, so as to avoid bad feelings and cries of “Hurry up,” “Beer Queer,” etc.
If they don’t keep up then they a beer queue will form, soon enough all they’ll be drinking warm beer, and they can’t leave until they finish all this warm beer. Shame.
8. Changing drinks on people during a shout is considered poor form. I.e., shouting everyone VBs then asking for a Crownie or other “boutique” beer on the return leg.
As is switching to spirits mid round or adding in a shooter. These can be done as side pursuits so long as they don’t infringe on your round obligations.
9. Guinness is to be served in an appropriate receptacle, i.e. a pint glass. Anything else is simply unacceptable.
10. When drinking, it is bad manners to talk up your drinking ability when you are not going to perform. This includes the oft observed phrase, “I may not be able to drink much beer, but I’d kill you on Vodka / Bourbon / Scotch,” etc.
If you’re that fúcking tough then go to Lithuania and drink straight Vodka all night. You’re in a beer shout here so harden the fúck up.
11. NEVER, EVER drink so slow as to allow a beer to warm up.
And if you do let your beer go warm, your punishment is to finish it, and the warm beers lining up after it. Even if it’s warm enough to add a tea bag and make a cuppa. You wont make that mistake twice.
12. Beer from a tap must be drunk in the largest available beer glass of the establishment at all times, e.g. middie to be superseded by a schooner, pint to be superseded by a stein.
Bring on the yardies, and death to Schmiddies and those who peddle their 5/8ths of shame at schooner prices (I’m looking at you Bungalow 8).
I’ll add in a tropical exception to this rule – when it’s over 35C it’s permissible to get into a middy shout, so long as there is no bar line and the shout keeps moving.
13. Toohey’s or any brand of American beer should never be attempted to passed off as actual beer, unless obvious insult to the recipient/recipients is intended.
However, if it’s the only beer available at the rugby in plastic cups every effort shall be made to drink as much as possible. Additionally, every trip to the bar one should order 4 Coopers just to let the underskilled bar staff know you’re drinking cats píss under sufferance.
14. One’s perceived beer drinking ability should not be in any way overshadowed by the frequency with which one visits the lavatory for urinary purposes. The idea is beer consumption, not beer retention.
Though if you siphon the python too frequently you’re leaving yourself open to nicknames such as “Girls Bladder” and “Princess” hey Guido..
15. Stubbies must always be bought over cans unless there is storage or transport issues.
I’ll add in breakage issues – tinnies on boats, or in spas/pools at the discretion of the boat/spa/pool owner.
16. Knocking over someone else’s beer will only be tolerated if there is a full replacement on the table in an acceptable amount of time.
If your beer is spilt by someone and they immediately apologise and offer to replace it, you have no recourse to get píssed off no matter how much you now look like you’ve píssed your pants. Swings and Roundabouts.
17. Ambient temperature has no bearing whatsoever on the desire to consume beer. The day being “too cold” is never an excuse to get out of beer drinking.
Ambient temperature can only determine the style of beer consumed. If it’s too cold then drink a stout.
18. No matter how much money is earned by each of the party members the same shouting rules apply, unless one of the more “well-off” members insists on re-shouting. However, this in no way implies a future obligation to repeat the form.
There’s no room for communism in a shout, besides, the bloke earning more pays more tax which funds the road you got to the pub on. No need to sting him again in the shout.
19. Usually a shout is consumed at the pace of the fastest drinker, however if you’re a known “speed starter” then grab yourself an “in betweeny”. It’s not reasonable to smash your first three pints in 10 minutes, Dooma! The “in betweeny” or “side beer” is a very practical alternative to the straight shout when drinking with a group of women, drivers or queers.