Our schedule now has us as the first AU or NZ team in 12 years of Super Rugby to travel to South Africa twice. But wait there’s more, we also get two trips to NZ, and if we’re to somehow overcome this absolute barry-crocker of a draw and make the finals, we could be looking at a third trip to the Republic of Boneheads.

Week 1 – Johannesburg
Week 2 – Wellington
Week 3 – Sydney
Week 4 – Sydney
Week 5 – Sydney
Week 6 – Canberra
Week 7 – Sydney
Week 8 – Auckland
Week 9 – Sydney
Week 10 – Sydney
Week 11 – Sydney
Week 12 – Bye
Week 13 – Kimberly
Week 14 – Durban

The news is coming from SA Rugby, and this quote perfectly shows their empathy for the Stormers hectic schedule.

This time it is the Stormers that get the shortened Sicof the stick. They play Crusaders in New Zealand before returning to Australia for matches against the Waratahs and Brumbies before another trans-Tasman trip to play the Hurricanes and Highlanders in New Zealand.

Oh poor Stormers, what a very short stick. My God, you actually have to travel to New Zealand twice from Eastern Australia, that’s like 3 hours in a plane! Perhaps you can take some comfort from the ‘Tahs who, in addition to two trips to South Africa, also get two of these horrific trans-Tasman trips.

Now I’ve gotta go and fly the flag in Christchurch while Kearnsey gets off lightly playing charity games in Mosman.

Incidentally, I’ve looked into this charity event and it’s a bloody good cause – raising money for medical equipment and holistic environments for NSW Children. They’re aiming to raise $2 million by running 420 metres up the side of a cliff – Awaba street I believe.

This is a charity appeals to me. It’s for our kids – not that there’s anything wrong with making poverty history (glad we beat that one btw) or supporting breast cancer (everyone likes breasts) – but these are sick kids in the struggling health system of New South Wales.

Perhaps the 2 million could go towards lobbying for GST equalisation, NSW consumers are already funding the health of Queensland and Western Australian children to the tune of 2 Billion a year despite unprecedanted growth in those states. However, this is a beer and sport blog so bugger politics.

So in short, bloody good cause and after writing this I’ve convinced myself to chuck in a hundred at http://www.humpty.com.au/ . It’s just the timing that sucks!

Usually at times like this I’d manipulate the stats until they’re in our favour, making a convincing argument for why we’re going in with an advantage. While this is generally an easy task with the Baggy Greens and do-able with the Wallabies, in terms of Super Rugby at Jade Stadium it would be an excercise in futility. Apart from blatantly making stuff up there’s no favourable spin I can put on this trip – each metric is stacked massively in favour of the Cantabrians.

With the old chesnuts of prior form, stats and bookie’s odds abandoning me, I’ve instead chosen instead to appeal to Patriotism, Team Spirit, and Awesomeness. Damn, we’ve made the final.. is it too much to believe that we could go one more game?

Our scrum has had the best year in memory, always gaining parity and some weeks being totally dominant – winning against the feed (2 x stormers, 1 x reds). It’s hard to seperate the names from some prior acts against England, however Matt Dunning and Al Baxter have been superb at tighthead, while Benn Robinson has really matured this year to be a combative loosehead. TPN’s throwing is much improved, and his impact at the breakdown can’t be underestimated.while Adam Freier’s pick and go’s are a highlight of his play in the loose.

Dean Mumm while scoring a bunch of tries himself with powerful runs and strong palm-offs has really come of age to make a potent combination with Aussie Dan, who will be sorely missed. Dan’s going to be a monumental loss to the Tahs and Wallabies respectviely, any world XV would have him and Victor locking down.

The backrow have used the ELV’s to their fullest, winning vital turnovers. Phil has been tackling anything that moves, often moving into the backline so he can put the smackdown on an unsuspecting centre. Legal agression has been a standout of our play, with massive hits being dealt out while maintaining an excellent disciplanary record. Two of the hardest men around – Jerry Collins and AJ Venter can speak first hand of the dominance of Beau and Palu in this area after they were both given a comprehensive lesson in pain.

Luke Burgess has been a revelation at scrum-half. His pace electric, decision making astute and ability to back himself provided the Tahs with some much needed spark. Perhaps the biggest difference he makes however is the basics of scrum-halfing. He gobbles all the shit ball that comes out the back of the scrum and serves up a golden platter for Kurtley. For me the highlight of his year was in attrocious conditions in Pretoria where a slipery ball was flying all over the place, yet he somehow managed to clean it up for Kurts to concentrate on distributing. Plus it’s satisfying to take one back from the Brumbies. Josh who?

Much of our success this year has come in spite of poor kicking. I don’t blame Kurtley for this however, in fact I think he’s had a wonderful season. He seems to have learnt to do less when required, happy to get the forwards to run it up rather than go for the hero try every play. He’s playing percentage rugby and growing each game into a fine distributor. I even think he’ll turn into a fine kicker, he’s just not there yet. I’ve maintained all along that letting Peter Hewat go with a year remaining on his contract was a mistake, I still don’t know how but we’ve made the final!

Tom Carter is another who’s efforts have been mostly under-rated though he’s picked up some positive press in recent weeks. His hard running, solid defence and resiliance to injuries have provided a bankable inside centre that gets the job done.

Rob Horney, well what a champunisher. As the 2nd quickest guy in the country he manages to rush opposition defences and has put on some memorable hits on opposite numbers. Just last week he gave Francois injured ribs a real test, as well as smashing the Sharks 13 for a vital turnover that led to Lote’s try.

Lote Tuqiri has had his best season ever. Always drawing in two tacklers and sometimes that’s not enough. He’s not scared to get involved in the dirty work, and has been a real leader amongst such a young backline. Richie McCaw, if you’re reading please pull Lote’s hair. Pump Up Lote.

Lachie Turner has had a mixed season. Some call it second season blues, while I’d argue he’s just had some bad weeks while being mostly awesome. He’s been much better since returning to the wing, I reckon his kicking out of hand has been a bit of a weakness at the back, however that’ll improve with experience. Full marks for his payout on Waratah Jesus, was worth the price of admission. Funny f’ucker.

Sam Norton-Knight’s return from injury – he’s proved to be a reliable kicking option and reliever of pressure, as well as astute positional play at fullback. He’s also provided spark at different times moving into flyhalf and mixing up the attacking patterns, and helped Kurtley defend that 10/12 channel when required.

A team is only ever as good as their bench, and in a competition as demanding as the Super 14. David Lyons, Timana Tahu, Beau Robinson, Will Caldwell, Brett Sheehan, Alfi Mafi, and Ben Jacobs have all played their part in getting us to the final.

Finally, Sir Les Kiss take a bow. You certainly get my vote for coach of the year. Our defensive structures have been superb all year and have most definately got us where we are today.

It may well be a fantasy world that I’m living in but I believe I can fly. I believe we can beat the Crusaders. Well, maybe I can fly. Damn it, I’m going to Christchurch to support the team! Go The Tahs!

Shit Draw
2008 is was our year for 6 home matches and 7 away matches, so it’s an absolute tribute to the team to even make the finals with an away laden draw. Two of our home games being against 13th and 14th, who you’d fancy your chances away against. The worst part of our draw was weeks 12-14, with a trip to South Africa being immediately followed by a return to Queensland for a must win grudge match against our nemisis north of the border. Add to this our luggage was lost in Joberg (thanks to all those who donated to the appeal), and our preperation really couldn’t have been any worse. Poor Queenslanders crying about us missing their sponsors do, boo f’ucking hoo.

Coaching Merry-go-round
After weeks of distraction and speculation, Ewen was sacked mid season. This was followed by many more weeks of speculation on his replacement and constant media harrassment of the players which appeared to galvanise the team into the force they are now. Everyone know’s that Waratah Jesus will be the next coach anyway.

No Kicker
By far the most inexplicable decision by the Waratahs this year was releasing Peter Hewat from the final year of his contract without having a replacement. Hewat’s form in the ARC was the catalyst for the Central Coast Rays to take the trophy, with his kicking out of hand and for poles being amongst the best in Australia. Sure Kurtley’s tried hard and even has had some decent weeks (eg week 13 against the Stormers), but he’s just a kid and would have benifited a lot more as Hewat’s understudy this year – taking kicks through the season as circumstances allow but knowing that Hewat is there to fall back on. The issue was mostly covered up when SNK returned from injury, but the glaring hole persists if he goes off (or Link starts him on the bench again WTF!)

Bad Weather
This season the ‘Tahs could really be called the rain makers. It seems everywhere we play thunderstorms follow. While you’d have to say our boys have played well in the wet, our lack of a kicker has really hurt us in this area (case in point Derek Hougard pushing us all over the field with his territorial kicking game). A true tribute to the pigs up front that we’ve stayed in these matches. The plethora of wet weather matches has been a significant factor in our low number of bonus point wins this season.

Unsettled backline
Disturbingly, our backline is still unsettled going into the semi’s, with 13, 14 and 15 all up for grabs. I thought we had reached some consistency of selection going to South Africa, however for some reason Horne is on the outer and we seem to be bending over backwards to accommodate Cararro in the starting team. Sure he’s big, but his positional play is lacking (see Stormers first try), and in leaving SNK out of the team we lose our one open play kicker.

Despite these obstacles, we’ve equalled our 2005 regular season as our best ever. The news gets even better as the Crusaders are suddenly looking beatable and there’s a very real possibility that the final will be in Sydney vs the Hurricanes. 2008 has to be our best shot at the title yet.

Shit-hot defence
Our defensive effort this year has been remarkable. Of the 186 points scored against us this year, 34 were in one week against the Crusaders. We’ve the second best defensive record in the comp after the Crusaders, however bad weather doesn’t lend itself to high scores by either side. Some of the pressure that we’ve withstood has been mirraculous – Les Kiss, take a bow. A shame we don’t have a knighthood system in Australia as Les Kiss would be a sure thing.

Awesome Platform
Bill from QR was spot on when he said our forward pack have an awesome platform. The Dunning and BaxTAH have been on fire, Bennnn and Kepu have also been consistant along with TPN and Freier making an impact too. Three wins against the feed in the last two weeks is one stat that should concern the Sharks. It’s not just the front row however, the entire pack have been awesome with great contributions from Aussie Dan, Dean Mumm scoring a few tries, and Rocky, Phil and Palu smashing everyone in site.

The possibility of losing Dan and Rocky at the end of the year hurts, and it’s for this reason that 2008 is likely to be our best shot at the title for some time.

GO THE TAHS!

You’ll notice from the picture that there is still a severe shortage of socks, with Sam Harris forced to run around in Peter Hughes Shoes unprotected. Harris will be fighting back the blisters tonight, and may also be refused entry to the RSL due to his lack of sockwork.

Be sure to dig deep into the sock draw tonight and do your bit for the Tah’s march onwards to the finals.

Donation bins have been installed at all major shopping centres (pictured), with team management specifically appealing for undergarments and toiletries. Lote has put in a special request for a bottle of Soul Glo.

I’ve already donated two of my Tahs’ Jerseys (the third one has been given to my brother-in-law after a recent bet he lost), as well as some spare boxer shorts and three pairs of odd socks.

While appreciative of the public’s generosity in the appeal to this point, there is a real dearth of XXXXL merchandise. Fortunately they made Morgs hand in his gear when he moved north last year so that’s Bennnn covered, however at this stage the rest of the pack will be running around shirtless which could present some difficulty in getting a decent bind. It should be noted that our scrum is still expected to monster the ailing Reds pack.

Waratahs management have assured me personally that all borrowed gear will be signed and returned to the owners as soon as they find the missing bags last seen strapped to the roof of a Joberg taxi.

Thought it was time to edit the sh1thouse QR Reds advert that’s currently doing the rounds on Foxtel..

On the evening of our wedding, the mighty NSW Waratahs (then 4th placed) were playing the Natal Sharks (2nd placed) – as you can imagine a lot of talk was to be had between myself and my (now) brother in law Steve. The bookies had the match about even.

In the end a wager was had on the outcome of the game – the supporter of the losing team would switch allegiences until our first anniversary.

Kickoff was 7.40, however with no access to a television or mobile coverage we were all unaware of the score.

During Steve’s speech he was jibbing me about how I was to become a loyal Sharks supporter, even managed to dig up a Sharks T-Shirt that I would be wearing for the next week in the case of a loss.

We both managed to duck out and check the score just before my speech, at this time it was 25-10 with 1 minute to go.

Steve held on to the slim hope that the Sharks were 5m out and looked likely to score, I was quick to remind him that they were unlikely to score 3 times in 90 seconds, especially with that wall of blue in their way.

So, now Steve is a Tahs Supporter until the 26th April 2009. Living in Durban this is likely to present some challenges, however he does have my old Tahs jersey (circa 2003) which does give the wearer super powers, so should come through unscathed.

We’ll be posting regular pictures of Steve enjoying his new found Tahness in this thread, so be sure to stay tuned.

Without further ado:

Matt Dunning - Will always be Andy Sheridan’s bitch
Tatafu Polota-Nau – Holds up scrum on his own
Adam Freier - On the bench now Tatafu throws straight
Benn Robinson - Good beard, great prop, lame numberplate

Daniel Vickerman - Saffer, Aussie, Pom, cheers for memories
Will Caldwell - Last lock standing, ladies love Will

Dean Mumm - was a lock now a flanker
Rocky Elsom - Please don’t leave us next year
Phil Waugh - is our leader, resistance is futile
Beau Robinson - Jerry Collins is his bitch, Hard
Wycliffe Palu - Out of gaol now, massive unit
David Lyons - Could become most capped Waratah ever

Luke Burgess - speaks real posh, danced round Rokocoko
Brett Sheehan - Angry midget, quite slow to breakdown
Josh Valentine - can’t hold bench spot, heading west

Kurtley Beale - Drink and Drive, Catch the Bus
Daniel Halangahu - Second Five Eigth, can’t turn left

Tom Carter – Solid defence, could move for Hangers
Timana Tahu - Good Hands, Breaks line and hamstring
Ben Jacobs - More injuries than bloody Shane Watson
Rob Horne - Bloody fast, great name, future Wallaby
Lote Tuqiri - Doesn’t like SNK or Hewat, Loaded
Lachie Turner - Is he blonde or a gingah?
Sam Norton-Knight - Finally a fullback who can kick

Ewen McKenzie - Sacked mid season, Off to France
Todd Louden - Taught Bulls how to score tries

Waratah Jesus has thrown his hat into the ring, and with some divine inspiration he may yet make Laurie Fisher seem conservative at post match interviews.

Les Kiss is staying due to his cool name. Alfi Mafi is to have his name changed by deed poll to Ralph Malph. Shouldn’t cost much as $50′s the going rate for a vowel and we’re selling two.

Timana Tahu will recognise his Maori ancestry and return to spelling his name Tah’u.

Campo is coming home as Media Manager and Tah Man trainer. We’ll see that quad bike put into some space before the end of the season. Eddie Jones will be retained as team clown.

Australia’s most capped prop will be retiring to make way for someone who can hold up a scrum. Dunning will be put on a donut and taxi diet. We’ll also be ramping up his corporate presence in recognition of his cult status with the blue bloods.

Sagerian will be working promotions with the Fleet Girls. He’ll also be taking on the important role of team guinness taster.

Chook will be the team Yoga instuctor. A well stretched team performs well on the field.

Lizz will become Sharon’s understudy. Woop Woop.

Peter Hughes will be elected Chairman of the board with the mission to keep it real.

Mattyj can retain his spot as president of Beauwatch.

Lexington is taking the position of motivational coach for Will.

UK Talent Scout: greenandgoldrugby with eke as his understudy. g is too lazy to hold down a position.

Costa Lote is going to be given the arse for being a whinging bitch. The 3 million we save is to be split between Rocky, Aussie Dan, and someone who can kick. Cameron Shepherd is top of my list.