So some 22 year old Tasmanian díckhead calls Morne Morkel by this name. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense given that Morne is in fact white, however he’s obviously wanted to cause maximum offence so yells it out in Morne’s direction.

Unfortunately for the dumbárse Morne doesn’t hear it, however a cop does and promptly arrests him. Now he’s off to court facing charges of using offensive language. The maximum penalty for Offensive Conduct is a $660.00 fine or imprisonment for 3 months and for Offensive Language a $660.00 fine.

What’s the world coming too when you can’t go quoting Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon 2? Any of these quotations would be enough to land you in some pretty hot water

Don’t you go being a smart kaffir.

They’ve been… de-kaffir-nated.

Just get out of here, Kaffir-lover!

I’m getting very excited by the prospect of seeing David Warner take on Steyn and Morkel come Sunday night, hopefully this bástardised version of cricket lives up to excitement from the Test Series.

Oh, and reformed chucker Johan Botha’s been named captain of the Saffas. One must wonder wtf Boucher did to piss off the hierachy…

I swear I’ll get zero work done today. I’m so excited with the Aussie vs South Africa Test Series about to start. When it’s summer, in Australia, I can tell you that cricket’s the number one game in town. Just ask anyone around.

Pitch Report

Have been reading from the curator, he reckons the wicket was slow last year due to the domestic T20 final being 3 days prior to the WACA test and that stuffed his preperation. Surely we can chuck this garbage cricket indoors or something, just don’t fúck with our Test Cricket.

So here’s hoping for a green top that gives the Aussie and Saffa quicks all the assistance they could ask for. I want to see the WACA back to being the fastest and meanest pitch on earth.

Injuries

Stu Clark’s elbow giving up is terrible news for the Baggy Greens. Fortunately Side-Siddle is no slouch, he’s got a lot of heart and will bowl all day uphill into the wind, then rather than rest up in the lunch break he’ll get out his favourite axe and chop some wood in a relaxing David Foster tribute.

Fantasies

My fantasy team, the “Hairy backed sheilas”, is looking pretty good, despite being unable to afford all the NSW players and Hussey. Seems the folks at cricinfo have priced the Blues out of contention, which is understandable as we fúcking rock. In the end Lee had to be dropped, his pricetag of 100k was making it tough to get Clarke and Haddin.

The only good thing to come out of Clark’s injury is Siddle happens to be the cheapest bowler on the park, meaning I can afford more NSW players.

It’s time to claim my prize from the Chappell/Hadlee series, I’d like JRod to write a review of the 2007 Sheffield Shield final in the style of a madly patriotic New South Wales supporter.

Cliché Tossers

I’m honestly not too worried about the toss in Perth, it’s more what we do with it. Batting or Bowling there’s going to be opportunity to impose your will on the series. I’ll be upset to miss the cliché’s due to work so will have a go myself. The bowling team will want to take early wickets to put pressure on the middle order. They can do this by bowling in good areas and pitching it up to allow prodigious swing with the assistance of the good Doctor Fremantle.

What colour was the couch?

South Africa certainly used to be the All Blacks (Rugby World Cup vintage) of Cricket, but have they grown up? Ponting’s been trying real hard to get Smith to talk, alas young Graeme’s learnt a lot from his chronic foot in mouth of 1995. The saffas have Duncan Armstrong on the staff too, and I hear that he’s been involved in beating Australia in the past.

Donald Duck forgets to run

Anti-Siphoning

On advice from a Beer and Sport reader that I met in the pub (how random, I have a reader!), I’m going to keep my bítching about institutions to a minimum and will seriously try and get it out of the way in advance.

Perth Tests are always the worst for Aussie audiences getting rectªlly reamed by Channel 9. The schedule of play for NSW/VIC is

• 1st Session: 1:30pm to 3:30pm
• 2nd Session: 4:10pm to 6:10pm
• 3rd Session: 6:30pm to 8:30pm

For those of us who have jobs, that third session looks prime for watching on the telly, however, those fúcksticks put on their shíthouse news and current affairs shízer so we get nothing between 6pm and 7pm. Sometimes they’ll delay the news by 10 minutes, so we’ll see the end of session two, but miss the first 40 mins of session 3.
Best of all Foxtel are forbidden from showing it as channel 9′s right to exclusive coverage is protected by law. Even though they’re not actually showing it, so, by law, they have the right to deny me coverage of the cricket. C9′s Sydney number is (02) 9906-9999 and I’ll be sure to call and yell abuse at 6:31pm.

Crystal Ball

Sure the Saffas have 2 guys who bowl over 150kph and swing it. We’ve got three.
Sure they’ve got a spinner who can contain, we’ve got one who turns it and takes wickets.
Sure they’ve got a settled and in form batting line-up. Um.. oh dear.
I’m with Oooh Aaah. 3-0 to the Aussies.

I disagree. While they have some brilliant quicks boasting impressive career figures, once you take them away from home and remove the minnows of Bangladesh and Zimbabwe they’re quickly bought back down to earth. What

• Dale Steyn – Right-arm fast
  Career: 27 Tests, 136 Wickets at 22.67
  Excluding Minnows, away from home: 9 Tests, 40 Wickets at 27.68
• Makhaya Ntini – Right-arm fast
  Career: 93 Tests, 369 at 27.69
  Excluding Minnows, away from home: 37 Tests, 119 Wickets at 36.48
• Morne Morkel – Right-arm fast
  12 Tests, 40 Wickets at 30.92
  Excluding Bangladesh his figures are 8 Tests yielding 19 Wickets at 45.6

• Jacques Kallis – Right-arm fast-medium
  Career: 125 Tests, 245 Wickets at 30.92
  Excluding Minnows, away from home: 51 Tests, 92 Wickets at 35.86
• Monde Zondeki – Right-arm fast
  Career: 6 Tests, 19 Wickets at 25.26
  Excluding Minnows, away from home: 4 Tests, 7 Wickets at 47.57

So, 4 right-arm quicks offering no variety and ordinary performances away from home. Their Spearhead, Dale Steyn had been, in my estimation, the best quick in world cricket until he toured England a few months ago. Now he’ll really have to lift his game to match Brett Lee and the rapidly improving Mitchell Johnson.

They’ve left out Andre Nel, and while I’ve not closely followed the Saffa scene I do recall him being omitted from a recent Bangladeshi tour due to his whiteness. Perhaps the stigma associated with his being dropped for Charl Langaveldt then is still around? Either way, they’re a weaker side without his aggression and passion, and he’ll be sorely missed by the Aussie crowds in need of a villain.

Compare this to the variety offered by the Aussie pace attack:

• Brett Lee ; right-arm fast

• Mitchell Johnson ; left-arm fast
• Stuart Clark ; right-arm McGrath
• Shane Watson ; right-arm male model

Here’s to a cracking series, and to no Perth Based Saffa ex-pats yelling racist remarks and tarnishing Australian crowds with their brush.