Tag Archives: graeme smith

The Harris Factor

Posted on by

Harris doesn’t look the greatest bowler in the world, however the Rhodesian born off-spinner now has 49 Test Wickets and amongst them are some names that would make Cameron White cry.

The guy is stock standard left-arm orthodox bowler, and from watching him I can’t help but feel he does not deserve to carry the scalps of the best players of spin in the modern game, such as

  • K Pietersen (twice), once on 94
  • V Sehwag (twice)
  • S Ganguly
  • Inzamam-ul-Haq
  • VVS Laxman
  • MS Dhoni
  • CH Gayle
  • SR Tendulkar
  • Yuvraj Singh
  • MJ Clarke
  • A Symonds

Some bloke on the radio yesterday presented a workable theory on the Harris Factor. Apparently the guy is a complete wánker. Whether he learnt this strategy from Harbajahn or is a total knob jockey at heart I’m not sure, but giving the ball to the biggest prick in the team and letting him loose seems to be reaping dividends.

Mind you, it’s no small feat out-árseholing Smith, Kallis, and Nel, but apparently it’s his unique combination of lacking variation and skill mixed with his constant appeals as if to suggest to the batsmen that he could get you out at any time that has the worlds best batsmen drowning in honey.

His stats back this up as well, with 70% of his victims being caught in the field believing that they could hit this annoying piece of saffa shít into next week.

Paul Harris method of dismissal

Paul Harris method of dismissal

Baggy Green vs Seth Efrika preview

Posted on by

Test Cricket!

I swear I’ll get zero work done today. I’m so excited with the Aussie vs South Africa Test Series about to start. When it’s summer, in Australia, I can tell you that cricket’s the number one game in town. Just ask anyone around.

Pitch Report

Have been reading from the curator, he reckons the wicket was slow last year due to the domestic T20 final being 3 days prior to the WACA test and that stuffed his preperation. Surely we can chuck this garbage cricket indoors or something, just don’t fúck with our Test Cricket.

So here’s hoping for a green top that gives the Aussie and Saffa quicks all the assistance they could ask for. I want to see the WACA back to being the fastest and meanest pitch on earth.

Injuries

Stu Clark’s elbow giving up is terrible news for the Baggy Greens. Fortunately Side-Siddle is no slouch, he’s got a lot of heart and will bowl all day uphill into the wind, then rather than rest up in the lunch break he’ll get out his favourite axe and chop some wood in a relaxing David Foster tribute.

Fantasies

My fantasy team, the “Hairy backed sheilas”, is looking pretty good, despite being unable to afford all the NSW players and Hussey. Seems the folks at cricinfo have priced the Blues out of contention, which is understandable as we fúcking rock. In the end Lee had to be dropped, his pricetag of 100k was making it tough to get Clarke and Haddin.

The only good thing to come out of Clark’s injury is Siddle happens to be the cheapest bowler on the park, meaning I can afford more NSW players.

It’s time to claim my prize from the Chappell/Hadlee series, I’d like JRod to write a review of the 2007 Sheffield Shield final in the style of a madly patriotic New South Wales supporter.

Cliché Tossers

I’m honestly not too worried about the toss in Perth, it’s more what we do with it. Batting or Bowling there’s going to be opportunity to impose your will on the series. I’ll be upset to miss the cliché’s due to work so will have a go myself. The bowling team will want to take early wickets to put pressure on the middle order. They can do this by bowling in good areas and pitching it up to allow prodigious swing with the assistance of the good Doctor Fremantle.

What colour was the couch?

South Africa certainly used to be the All Blacks (Rugby World Cup vintage) of Cricket, but have they grown up? Ponting’s been trying real hard to get Smith to talk, alas young Graeme’s learnt a lot from his chronic foot in mouth of 1995. The saffas have Duncan Armstrong on the staff too, and I hear that he’s been involved in beating Australia in the past.

Donald Duck forgets to run

Donald Duck forgets to run

Anti-Siphoning

On advice from a Beer and Sport reader that I met in the pub (how random, I have a reader!), I’m going to keep my bítching about institutions to a minimum and will seriously try and get it out of the way in advance.

Perth Tests are always the worst for Aussie audiences getting rectªlly reamed by Channel 9. The schedule of play for NSW/VIC is

  • 1st Session: 1:30pm to 3:30pm
  • 2nd Session: 4:10pm to 6:10pm
  • 3rd Session: 6:30pm to 8:30pm

For those of us who have jobs, that third session looks prime for watching on the telly, however, those fúcksticks put on their shíthouse news and current affairs shízer so we get nothing between 6pm and 7pm. Sometimes they’ll delay the news by 10 minutes, so we’ll see the end of session two, but miss the first 40 mins of session 3.
Best of all Foxtel are forbidden from showing it as channel 9′s right to exclusive coverage is protected by law. Even though they’re not actually showing it, so, by law, they have the right to deny me coverage of the cricket. C9′s Sydney number is (02) 9906-9999 and I’ll be sure to call and yell abuse at 6:31pm.

Crystal Ball

Sure the Saffas have 2 guys who bowl over 150kph and swing it. We’ve got three.
Sure they’ve got a spinner who can contain, we’ve got one who turns it and takes wickets.
Sure they’ve got a settled and in form batting line-up. Um.. oh dear.
I’m with Oooh Aaah. 3-0 to the Aussies.

Bad Captains all round

Posted on by

I wish I’d posted this on Thursday night, cause now it just appears a lame attempt to cash in on hindsight, but believe me when Greame Smith won the toss I said to my wife “he’s gotta bat”.

So.. “I think we’ll have a bowl, looks like there’s a bit in this one for the pacemen” comes out Smith. “YOU FREAKING MORON” I yell at the telly, to little reaction from the head South African fatman. Vaughan 1, Smith 0.

Then they hand the mike to Vaughan who thinks he’s got the rough end of the toss, and implies that he also wanted to have a bowl. Gamemanship perhaps, or was he also swayed by the lack of low lying cloud and the pretty much picture perfect batting conditions? Vaughan 1, Smith 1

So, an opening stand of 114 followed by Vaughan leaving a straight one and it’s on for KP and ding-dong to put on 286 for the 4th wicket. Yep, think this might have been a good wicket to have a bat on.

South Africa all out for 247 in 93.3 overs, adding insult to injury is KP taking the last wicket with his part time Off-Spinners that weren’t good enough to hold down a regular number 8 spot in the Natal Dolphins, you know, cause he’s white.

So.. Vaughan makes his second mistake and enforces the follow on. Sure you’ve got them out cheaply, but after 93.3 overs your pacemen must be feeling it. Why not let the quicks hit the beauty sallons and update their myspace profiles while you bat yourself into form? Vaughan 1, Smith 2

But not Vaughan, clearly having spent the last day in the field and reading one of Steve Waugh’s tour diaries between sessions. He’s going for mental disintegration and the flavour of choice is INNINGS VICTORY.

So, he thinks his quicks have enough left in the tank to bowl out the Proteas again, despite having toiled for 63 overs between the 3 of them in the last day.

Then after eating Frogs Legs in the innings break Vaughan opens with the ultimate surrender tactic, he gives the new ball to Monty and KP! Sure Monty got 4 wickets in the first innings, including McKenzie, so you could perhaps argue some merit in giving him a go early on (say 6th over if nothing’s happening for the quicks), but to waste the new ball with two spinners on a mundane pitch? Please. Vaughan 1, Smith 3

Come the 14th over of the day and it’s time for Sidebottom to get a shot. Sure the ball’s a bit soft now and the shine is worn, and he’s tired, and the batsmen are set, but at least he’s getting a bowl. No real suprise the breakthrough doesn’t come until the second new ball.

This test will most likely end in a draw, but it’ll be South Africa who take the momentum out of it. and their much vaunted pace attack will want to get some more practice in with the Duke before the second test commences.

Have India outsourced Curation?

Posted on by

is that a gun in your pocket WTF is going on in India recently? The pitch for the first test was your typical sub-continental road which provided the desired result – sh1tloads of runs.

But it was all a bit hollow when the Seth Efrikaans could also bat, and the match petered out into a boring draw. Surely this wasn’t the same India who only lost 2-1 to Australia so recently?

Remembering their Perth glory they then went and built a very un-Indian pitch that suited pace and seam. Then in a brain fart Anil decided to have a bat and they were bundled out for 76 by a very on fire Dale Steyne. Oops. Maybe we suck at pace bowling again.

According to the script they’d have their groundsman prepare a traditional Indian pitch that takes lots of spin for the third test, yet from the pitch reports they’ve gone and built a minefield.

Underprepared, dry, and cracking already, there is no telling what this pitch might do. Let alone spin, it might make any bowling dangerous to face. The ball might dart around, bounce unevenly, spin alarmingly; no-one really knows.

Stay tuned as India take on the evil empire in Episode III, Revenge of the Singh.