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Perth Test Player Ratings and Reviews

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Matty Crane

Matty Crane


Matthew Hayden

-15/10 – So completely and utterly shít that he destroys my “out of 10 scale” before it’s even begun. Useless fat bástard should have gone out on top in 2006, he’s surely only in it for the money now. The selectors talk about picking players on form, now is the time to act on this. I have so much rage for this Queenslander.. let me count the ways:

  • Not seeing off the new ball – The primary KPI for an opening batsman is to see off the new ball. In the 13 innings of the 7 Tests that he’s opened this season, Hayden has seen off the new ball twice.

  • Not scoring runs – Secondary KPI for opening batsman is to go on and make a total. During this season he has returned scores of 0(3), 13(40), 0(3), 29(20), 83(154), 16*(29), 16(26), 77(93), 8(16), 0(1), 24(36), 12(13), 4(22). That’s an average of 23.5 (35) [only 12 outs]
  • Old – he turned 37 last month. He’s got 1-2 years on India’s fab 4, even the retired Ganguly is a year younger.
  • severely out of form. His scratching around in our second innings was an embarrassment to watch and further degraded his legacy as a world class batsman. He is now the Denny Crane of Australian cricket.
  • In the way – so much talent is waiting for Hayden to just fúck off. If Phil Jaques were still fit I’d like to thin he’s already gone. Chris Rogers had a shot last year and since moving to Vic has been averaging 83. Sean Marsh top scored in the IPL against world class bowlers while retaining traditional straight strokeplay. Philip Hughes is averaging 59.52 and at only 19 years of age is a superb long term prospect.

Simon Katich

7/10 – Saw out the new ball in each innings in the face of a fired up new ball attack thanks to the moron scratching around at the other end. Played a solid intelligent knock in both innings by leaving anything not on the stumps and turning anything on the pads for a single. Rotated the strike in spite of his goose of a partner. Didn’t give chances until the ball that got him in each innings, and is responsible for turning Hayden’s best efforts at embarrassing team totals into respectable scores. Was unlucky I thought in the first innings to be given lbw to one sliding down leg on 83, but hey, shít gets wickets.

Ricky Ponting

the Batsman – 2/10 – Damn ordinary effort, first ball duck against a pumped Ntini and failed to make amends in the second innings. Still on track for 1000 runs this calendar year but his recent form is far from impressive.
the Captain – 3/10 – outplayed Graeme Smith in the first 3 innings, but that’s not really a glowing commendation. Could have tried something, anything while allowing the Saffas to accumulate the second biggest winning 4th innings total of all time for the loss of just 4 wickets. How about giving Andrew Symonds, Simon Katich or even yourself an over. How about slapping Brett Lee around the head with a wet fish. I’m no fan of this graceful meandering towards the inevitable loss, attack till the bitter death and go down bowling at their heads. At least it’ll quicken the pain.
I truly believe it’s time to hand over the captaincy reigns, Katich, Clarke or Hussey couldn’t do any worse than Rick the díck.

Michael Hussey

3/10 – A rare failure for the Huss, he’s fúcked his average (down to a depressing 61.56) and will be keen to make amends on Boxing Day. While some of the blame for his first innings failure can be given to the muppets above him, his dismissal immediately after Ponting in each innings makes me feel he’s a bit high in the batting order. Moving him back to 5 could be beneficial to the record books. Didn’t see much of him couriering caps around the field either.

Michael Clarke

5/10 – The saviour of our first innings collapse. No number 5 batsman should be coming to the crease at 3/15 in the third over, however Clarke stood up and stopped the rot. Scratchy early in his innings as seems to be his style, once he was in he gained composure until a brain fart cut short what could have been a match turning innings. Failed to make a meal of good conditions in the second dig and ultimately this test will go down as a disappoint for pup as it’s one that he could have taken out of South Africa’s hands.

Andrew Symonds

6/10 – Good starts but failed to capitalise. We need more than 57 runs from our specialist number 6 batsman and I don’t care how annoying their spinner is, spooning it to Mid-On is asking the selectors to reconsider his position. His form looks pretty good but to stick around as a specialist number 6 he’ll have to learn a Test match temperament and will need big runs in Melbourne to keep the sharks at bay. Maybe a few nights on the píss in the silly season will help him to regain his focus. Tough to gauge his all-round contribution considering Ponting didn’t give him a single over in the 4th innings, maybe he’s injured?

Brad Haddin

9/10 – Superb rear guard from the New South Welsh champunisher.. His batting with the tail is improving every knock and while we’ll probably never find another Gilly, we’ve found a new Healy. Can’t begrudge his getting stumped trying to bring up the ton with a 6, that’s the way he bats. Good to see someone wipe that smile of freaking Harris face too.

Jason Krejza

5/10 – I wasn’t expecting huge things from him in Perth and was predictably disappointed with his match aggregate of 1/204 is a very ordinary return when compared to his opposite number Paul Harris who accumulated 5/155! Lacked control and penetration with the ball, however he did trouble all the batsmen and if his control improves will be a real weapon, and his nut to claim Amla in the first innings was a deadset rip-snorter. It’s his batting that elevates him to a 5/10, as his 30* and 32 provided a real sting to the tail as his considered strokeplay and strong cutting made the saffas suffer long after they were due.

Mitchell Johnson

10/10 – Surely this must be the greatest performance in a losing test match? 11 wickets including the best spell of fast bowling I can remember, perhaps challenged by the West Indian greats of the late 70′s who at least had support from the opposite end. Seems to be loving the move to Western Australia and is now surely our number 1 strike bowler. It’s time for Mitch to get the new rock, he is now clearly leading our attack.
There is now solid proof that a player from the winning team will always win man of the match, regardless of the game situation.

Brett Lee

1/10 – Another disappointment from Lee. Bowled with fair pace but was consistently out-sped by Johnson. Match figures of 1/132 are a very ordinary return from an alleged spearhead who has never taken 10 in a match or 6 in an innings. Has struggled since his marriage brake up, and should be feeling some pressure from Watson.

Peter Siddle

3/10 – Has done a great job of learning Brett Lee’s tricks, and never looked very threatening with the ball. Match aggregate of 1/148 could have been so much more, last chance in Melbourne then it’s time to give Douggy Bollinger a shot at the project paceman spot.

The WACA

Two losses in a row to the home side, it’s time for the curator at the WACA to lift. Still not green, bouncy or swingy enough for my liking and heads need to roll for this.

Chris Rogers in it for the cash

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Chris Rogers Sheffield Shield coverage at Beer and Sport will be postponed until the commencement of the NSW Bluetongues’ campaign.

So onto more distracting issues, like John Rogers. John is a simple man, and like many of his generation has strong values of honesty, integrity, and dignity. John believes in one club for life. This was made somewhat easier for John as he wasn’t very good and only played 4 first class matches, but true to his ethics they were all for his beloved New South Wales.

It pains John to recall the tale of his son Chris , who holds the rare blemish as the only Australian ever to hit a double century against Australia. It was Chris Rogers demorilising of Lee, Gillespie, Kasprowicz and Macgill that started the 2005 rot that led into a ODI loss to Bangladesh and concluded with the poms in an open topped bus.

The anguish that poor John suffers when regailing the career of his foreyed ranga slut of a son Chris is unbearable. Here is a one club for life man who’s son has so far graced the rosters of Derbyshire, Leicestershire, Northamptonshire, Shropshire, Western Australia, Victoria, and Australia.

In April Chris walked out on his contract with Western Australia, a curious move considering he’d just cracked the national setup, and one must ask as to the motivation for this move. The official line from camp Rogers was his frustration at being ommited from WA’s One Day squad. He had offers from Queensland, South Australia and Victoria, and to understand where Chris Rogers’ priorities lay, the benefits of playing each state have to be examined.

Queensland would have been a disaster for Rogers. His gingah hair and fair complexion would have been no match for the harsh Gabba sun.

South Australia on paper offered the best package. It was rumoured he’d get the captaincy, they are completely and utterly shithouse in the batting department so he’d be worshipped by all 7 SACA members, plus the Adelaide Zoo offers free entry to Rangas, themselves an endagered species according to Zoos SA’s director of conservation programs Kevin Evans.

Finally there was Victoria, and this could prove to be the final nail in his loyal fathers coffin, a man who’s life has been spent fostering a hatred of those damn mexicans with mobiles.

The plusses would be playing in the countries second best state side, not having to face Dirk Nannes, and inclusion in the shortened format of the game. But when it came time to talk turkey, none of these things mattered.

Chris is 31 years old, mostly blind, and wholly red haired. Peroxide and laser eye surgery are not cheap so he’d gone to the Mexicans, and here is why: Victoria are playing in the world T20 club championship. This is in India. The IPL is in India. $$$$$$$$$$$

CA Contracted Players – need more Bluetongues

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Cricket Australia have updated their millionare list, no doubt Uncle J will likely go completely bonkers over this despite his recent tough love campaign for Bryce McGain. Fair enough too. I think it’d be prudent for me to illustrate his pain as a pie chart.

Gee that’s a lot of blue. Some would say not enough blue, and they’d be right.

The big in’s for the Moomoo cup champions – the mighty New South Wales Bluetongues – are Doug ‘Ballbag’ Bollinger and Beau ‘Repair’ Casson and Simon ‘looks like Moses’ Katich.

Brad Haddin is the sole keeper in the squad of 25, seems like good thinking there unless we do anything rash.. like go on tour.

Shaun Marsh takes over Chris Rogers’ WA quota spot, while the Foreyed Gingah has been struck by the Mexican Meningitis – any link with Victoria and a cricketer should instantly be excluded from all contact with the national side. Serves him right really for leaving the Westies, he should have stuck around with the other NSW rejects if he really wanted to press for higher bank balances.

David Hussey is likely to be the first player tainted with the Mexican Meningitis brush to develop potent anti-bodies since the great Shane Keith Warne retired, as such he has gained a six figure package to go with his lucrative IPL cash cow.

Brad Hodge continues to be an exception to all rules of common sense and decency. Unless he goes and finds a hot blonde wife he has NO PLACE in the baggy green.

Both Cullen’s have been left Mullin over their new lifestyle choices after what can only be described as sh1thouse seasons. Some might say they were dropped for sharing a border with Victoria that isn’t protected by a river. They could well be right.