Waratah Jesus, in a recent drunken stupor wondered how cricket would be if each player had their own commentator. His plan involved each former player to nominate a current player and follow them round the world commentating on their deeds. When the player retires, the commentator retires. The idea is obviously crap, but here’s how it might have sounded in 1993.
Richie Beneaud: Shane Warne delivers his first ball in Ashes cricket. Right arm over the wicket, it’s a lovely flighted delivery from the young Victorian. Pitches well outside leg stump, but what’s this? Bounce, turn, it’s an absolute ripper of a ball let me tell you. Has really gripped the rough outside leg and it’s coming back a long long way, so much that it’s gone on and clipped the off bail! The English captain has a look of bemusement on his face and let me tell you, that’s a ball that will be replayed for many years to come.
Ian Botham: Mike Gatting to face the novice Australian here. Gatting looking well set as Warne bowls, oh that’s a rubbish delivery, what a waste. He’s just thrown it away, way down the leg side and Gatting pads up to let it pass through to the keeper without incide…. oh fúck ! Where the fúck did that come from? Bugger me, it’s come back and gone past the bat and pad to hit the stumps! Must have hit a bottle top or something. Gatting is standing his ground and rightly so. There’s no way that’s out, it just cannot be. Well, the umpire’s stuck the finger up so he’s got to go, unbelievable.
Warney has played out of his boots to overcome being a Victorian and still get immortalised in history as a Beer and Sport Banner of Legends member.
I have spent the bulk of my cricket watching years observing Warne take apart all and sundry. His deception and mystery with the ball always amused me, his mastery of control both in the air and off the pitch, his ability to invent a new name for an old delivery every series, the mind games.. ah the mind games.
The man is so much more than the sum of his wickets. He polarises popular opinion in Australia, generally along the lines of gender. Womens magazines feed on his indiscretions, and I’ve boycotted many as a result. Here’s a comprehensive list of his misdemeanour’s including a Top 10.
Warney’s greatest achievement and one that all straight men aspire to, was getting a threesome with two hot chicks in the middle of a 1st class match, and going on to take 7/99. They even let him film it, then sold the footage to News of the World for cash and to promote their careers as Pommy and Kiwi slappers. Still, Warney in his playboy undies is a great image and one I’m sure he’ll be proud to show his grandson one day. It’s now immortalised in the Beer and Sport Banner.
While a test match century forever eluded him he could at times be brutal with the bat. I was at the Newport Arms when he got 99 against New Zealand and in typical Warney style wanted to bring up his maiden 100 with a 6. He holed out down cow corner to Daniel Vettori which surprised absolutely no-one. Turns out it was a front foot no-ball, though I have no doubt he would have found another way to miss the maiden ton regardless.
The 2005 Ashes for Shane Warne would have to go down as the greatest performance in a series of any cricketer in my lifetime. He took an incredible 40 Wickets at 19.92 which was 16 more than the next best bowler. What’s more he scored 249 runs at 27.66, and many of these came when all the batsmen failed. “His deliveries to remove Andrew Strauss at Edgbaston and Marcus Trescothick at The Oval defied logic and he can surely now make a justifiable claim to being the greatest bowler that has ever played the game.” [BBC]
Shane Warne is a top Aussie. He is also a massive pisstank yobbo with a beer-gut who dyes his hair blonde and drives a red convertible. Warney has done some bad things. He once got paid 100 grand by Nicabate to give up durries for a year but he lit up heaps when he was pissed. Then he took money from some Indian bookmakers for pre-match information. He once smashed a camera cause a kiddy took a photo of his beer gut. Then he got toey on the phone and dirty-talked an English girly who wasn’t his wife. However, all Australians agree that Warney can be excused for doing these things cause he spin bowls like a genius and makes England look completely shíthouse. Warney could drink all our beer and then spew on our carpet and we wouldn’t care as long as he keeps taking wickets.
Warney is a top Aussie.
My best man took the piss out of me at my wedding as my Wireless router is called “Warney for King”, and my cat is named Warney. When it’s time for dinner and I call the cats in there’s no room for high pitched kitty kitty crap… instead it’s the familiar and drawn out “Waaarrrrnnnnnneeeeeyyyyy… Waaarrrrnnnnnneeeeeyyyyy…”
