Perhaps the corporate function is more to your budget, where you’ll get endless bottles of Crown Lager – officialy Australia’s worst beer in Australia’s prettiest bottle, not to mention Wolfblass Wines as endorsed by Stuart MacGill himself, unless Roy drinks them dry. Throw in accommodation at the Langham Hotel and the $1,175 per person is the cheapest night out this side of Sizzler.

Don’t delay in sending your cash as you could be up close and personal with the team who not only lost to India in India, but also lost at home to South Africa in both a test and ODI series. This is your very own opportunity to be amongst the exclusive and limited 1,500 guests and tens of thousands of TV viewers who get to see the former world number 1′s on big screen TV’s.

What’s more, you can join the rampant speculation of who’ll win this most prestegious of awards, judged over the 12 Test matches played since the 2008 AB gong was taken out by Brett Lee. There were tours to the West Indies and India, plus we hosted New Zealand and South Africa this year. Here’s the candidates for the AB Medal with Moses’ odds attached

The Good

• 2:1 | Mitchell Johnson with 54 wickets at 27.07 plus 327 very handy runs at 21.8 (comparable to Hayden). Mitchell is also unbackable favourite to bring the hottest date for the night.

• 2:1 | Simon Katich who made the most of his return to Test Cricket with 1129 runs at 56.45, and even managed a wicket from the 19 overs Ricky gave him
• 3:1 | Michael Clarke with 1019 runs at 56.61 and 6 wickets at 69.33
• 50:1 | Phil Jaques who scored 243 at 40.83 from 3 Tests before being dropped for Hayden, then picked up a back injury.
• 75:1 | Brad Haddin with 736 runs at 38.73, 42 catches and netting the record for most byes by an Australian ‘keeper
• 225:1 | Peter Siddle debuted quietly enough but has grown into a fair backup for Johnson. His 4 tests netted 17 runs at 31.29, while his batting picked up 75 runs at 15. He’s injured now too.

The Bad

• 40:1 | Michael Hussey with 721 runs at 34.33 and breakthrough wicket of Paul Harris
• 70:1 | Brett Lee battled divorce, poor form and injury yet still took 39 wickets at 36.69
• 80:1 | Shane Watson who’s body held up for 5 Tests was able to score 176 at 19.55 and take 12 wickets at 31.25. Then he broke his back.
• 1000:1 | Beau Casson went to the Windies as MacGilla’s understudy, then Stuey pulled the cork on his career and Casson got a Test. His figures of 1/129 were enough to have him not only dropped from the team but also have his CA contract not renewed.

The Ugly

• 40:1 | Ricky Ponting’s captaincy record of 5 wins (2 NZ, 2 WI, 1 SA), 4 losses and a 3 draws as captain. His batting has also slipped with 974 runs at 44.27
• 100:1 | Cameron White. Picked as our specialist spinner on turning tracks in India, he sort of tied up one end for a little while and scraped 5 wickets at 68.4, which surprised him so much he cried. Our very own Ashley Giles, he also hit 146 runs at 29.2. Dropped for the dead rubber for Krezja, who took 12 wickets.
• 500:1 | Stuart MacGill took 5 wickets at 65, and probably wishes Warney retired 5 years ago.
• 500:1 | Matthew Hayden dominating all comers with 383 runs at 23.93
• 300:1 | Andrew Symonds the “all rounder” who bowled under 6 overs per innings and picked up 2 wickets at 65. Oh, he’s a batsman now. Fair enough then. Well, he scored 431 runs at 39.18 and with a high score of 79 from his 13 innings with 10 starts he was unable to convert any to a century. Also made the front pages for all the wrong reasons. Faced a suspension for going fishing instead of playing Cricket, called Prince Brendan a lump of shit, enjoyed glancing at Hayden’s wife and was generally a prize clown

Give yourself an uppercut.

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NoteClick on the thumbnails to see the full pictures of these WAGs

Here’s the winners and the % of votes cast in their pool from round one, not surprisingly all the top seeded WAGS made it through their heats with flying colours, however Rianna Ponting polling 18% of the vote would have been at long odds.

The most dominating performance in round 1 was Roy’s missus Katie Johnson, though in fairness to the other WAGS she was up against a pregnant Meg Hodge and an out of focus Karina Castle.

Pool A: Annika McNamara [63%]
Pool B: Georgie Willis [73%]
Pool C: Haley Bracken [66%]
Pool D: Jessica Bratich [79%]
Pool E: Lara Bingle [79%]
Pool F: Lee Furlong [77%]
Pool G: Katie Johnson [82%]
Pool H: Amber van Schiajik [52%]

Here’s how the round robin table stands

WAGS Deathmatch

I’ll be working on round 2 this week..

Matty Crane

Matthew Hayden

-15/10 – So completely and utterly shít that he destroys my “out of 10 scale” before it’s even begun. Useless fat bástard should have gone out on top in 2006, he’s surely only in it for the money now. The selectors talk about picking players on form, now is the time to act on this. I have so much rage for this Queenslander.. let me count the ways:

• Not seeing off the new ball – The primary KPI for an opening batsman is to see off the new ball. In the 13 innings of the 7 Tests that he’s opened this season, Hayden has seen off the new ball twice.

• Not scoring runs – Secondary KPI for opening batsman is to go on and make a total. During this season he has returned scores of 0(3), 13(40), 0(3), 29(20), 83(154), 16*(29), 16(26), 77(93), 8(16), 0(1), 24(36), 12(13), 4(22). That’s an average of 23.5 (35) [only 12 outs]
• Old – he turned 37 last month. He’s got 1-2 years on India’s fab 4, even the retired Ganguly is a year younger.
• severely out of form. His scratching around in our second innings was an embarrassment to watch and further degraded his legacy as a world class batsman. He is now the Denny Crane of Australian cricket.
• In the way – so much talent is waiting for Hayden to just fúck off. If Phil Jaques were still fit I’d like to thin he’s already gone. Chris Rogers had a shot last year and since moving to Vic has been averaging 83. Sean Marsh top scored in the IPL against world class bowlers while retaining traditional straight strokeplay. Philip Hughes is averaging 59.52 and at only 19 years of age is a superb long term prospect.

Simon Katich

7/10 – Saw out the new ball in each innings in the face of a fired up new ball attack thanks to the moron scratching around at the other end. Played a solid intelligent knock in both innings by leaving anything not on the stumps and turning anything on the pads for a single. Rotated the strike in spite of his goose of a partner. Didn’t give chances until the ball that got him in each innings, and is responsible for turning Hayden’s best efforts at embarrassing team totals into respectable scores. Was unlucky I thought in the first innings to be given lbw to one sliding down leg on 83, but hey, shít gets wickets.

Ricky Ponting

the Batsman – 2/10 – Damn ordinary effort, first ball duck against a pumped Ntini and failed to make amends in the second innings. Still on track for 1000 runs this calendar year but his recent form is far from impressive.
the Captain – 3/10 – outplayed Graeme Smith in the first 3 innings, but that’s not really a glowing commendation. Could have tried something, anything while allowing the Saffas to accumulate the second biggest winning 4th innings total of all time for the loss of just 4 wickets. How about giving Andrew Symonds, Simon Katich or even yourself an over. How about slapping Brett Lee around the head with a wet fish. I’m no fan of this graceful meandering towards the inevitable loss, attack till the bitter death and go down bowling at their heads. At least it’ll quicken the pain.
I truly believe it’s time to hand over the captaincy reigns, Katich, Clarke or Hussey couldn’t do any worse than Rick the díck.

Michael Hussey

3/10 – A rare failure for the Huss, he’s fúcked his average (down to a depressing 61.56) and will be keen to make amends on Boxing Day. While some of the blame for his first innings failure can be given to the muppets above him, his dismissal immediately after Ponting in each innings makes me feel he’s a bit high in the batting order. Moving him back to 5 could be beneficial to the record books. Didn’t see much of him couriering caps around the field either.

Michael Clarke

5/10 – The saviour of our first innings collapse. No number 5 batsman should be coming to the crease at 3/15 in the third over, however Clarke stood up and stopped the rot. Scratchy early in his innings as seems to be his style, once he was in he gained composure until a brain fart cut short what could have been a match turning innings. Failed to make a meal of good conditions in the second dig and ultimately this test will go down as a disappoint for pup as it’s one that he could have taken out of South Africa’s hands.

Andrew Symonds

6/10 – Good starts but failed to capitalise. We need more than 57 runs from our specialist number 6 batsman and I don’t care how annoying their spinner is, spooning it to Mid-On is asking the selectors to reconsider his position. His form looks pretty good but to stick around as a specialist number 6 he’ll have to learn a Test match temperament and will need big runs in Melbourne to keep the sharks at bay. Maybe a few nights on the píss in the silly season will help him to regain his focus. Tough to gauge his all-round contribution considering Ponting didn’t give him a single over in the 4th innings, maybe he’s injured?

Brad Haddin

9/10 – Superb rear guard from the New South Welsh champunisher.. His batting with the tail is improving every knock and while we’ll probably never find another Gilly, we’ve found a new Healy. Can’t begrudge his getting stumped trying to bring up the ton with a 6, that’s the way he bats. Good to see someone wipe that smile of freaking Harris face too.

Jason Krejza

5/10 – I wasn’t expecting huge things from him in Perth and was predictably disappointed with his match aggregate of 1/204 is a very ordinary return when compared to his opposite number Paul Harris who accumulated 5/155! Lacked control and penetration with the ball, however he did trouble all the batsmen and if his control improves will be a real weapon, and his nut to claim Amla in the first innings was a deadset rip-snorter. It’s his batting that elevates him to a 5/10, as his 30* and 32 provided a real sting to the tail as his considered strokeplay and strong cutting made the saffas suffer long after they were due.

Mitchell Johnson

10/10 – Surely this must be the greatest performance in a losing test match? 11 wickets including the best spell of fast bowling I can remember, perhaps challenged by the West Indian greats of the late 70′s who at least had support from the opposite end. Seems to be loving the move to Western Australia and is now surely our number 1 strike bowler. It’s time for Mitch to get the new rock, he is now clearly leading our attack.
There is now solid proof that a player from the winning team will always win man of the match, regardless of the game situation.

Brett Lee

1/10 – Another disappointment from Lee. Bowled with fair pace but was consistently out-sped by Johnson. Match figures of 1/132 are a very ordinary return from an alleged spearhead who has never taken 10 in a match or 6 in an innings. Has struggled since his marriage brake up, and should be feeling some pressure from Watson.

Peter Siddle

3/10 – Has done a great job of learning Brett Lee’s tricks, and never looked very threatening with the ball. Match aggregate of 1/148 could have been so much more, last chance in Melbourne then it’s time to give Douggy Bollinger a shot at the project paceman spot.

The WACA

Two losses in a row to the home side, it’s time for the curator at the WACA to lift. Still not green, bouncy or swingy enough for my liking and heads need to roll for this.

The guy is stock standard left-arm orthodox bowler, and from watching him I can’t help but feel he does not deserve to carry the scalps of the best players of spin in the modern game, such as

• K Pietersen (twice), once on 94
• V Sehwag (twice)
• S Ganguly
• Inzamam-ul-Haq
• VVS Laxman
• MS Dhoni
• CH Gayle
• SR Tendulkar
• Yuvraj Singh
• MJ Clarke
• A Symonds

Some bloke on the radio yesterday presented a workable theory on the Harris Factor. Apparently the guy is a complete wánker. Whether he learnt this strategy from Harbajahn or is a total knob jockey at heart I’m not sure, but giving the ball to the biggest prick in the team and letting him loose seems to be reaping dividends.

Mind you, it’s no small feat out-árseholing Smith, Kallis, and Nel, but apparently it’s his unique combination of lacking variation and skill mixed with his constant appeals as if to suggest to the batsmen that he could get you out at any time that has the worlds best batsmen drowning in honey.

His stats back this up as well, with 70% of his victims being caught in the field believing that they could hit this annoying piece of saffa shít into next week.

Paul Harris method of dismissal

The hair is real

While there I came across an interesting story about Nathan Bracken learning to bowl spin to get himself back into the Baggy Green Test squad.

For mine the idea has a lot of merit. The selectors get wood when someone can bowl slow. Spinning the ball does not appear to be a necessity, nor is a decent record at shield level. As long as you claim to be a spinner you can get the baggy green for a test or two before getting dumped quicker than a knocked up Britney.

In recent memory we gave Beau Casson a test in the West Indies before dropping him and tearing up his central contract, Bryce McGain was a virtual selection before his shoulder imploded, Cameron White got 3 Tests as our very own answer to Ashley Giles (not that anyone ever asked that question), Jason Krezkya played a test and took 12 wickets to be dropped then picked up a training injury, and Nathan Hauritz also had a shot in Adelaide.

Bracken is tending towards the Funky Miller style of right-arm off breaks in the 90-95 kph range, and this makes a hell of a lot of sense. As the worlds’ top ranked one-day bowler he has the experience, temperament and man-hair that will help him become a success in the spinning role.

Also it’s refreshing to see a player who on paper really could be in the Baggy Green squad go and do something about it rather than just bítch to the media about non-selection. Brad Hodge if you’re reading this, give yourself an uppercut.

The final reason this is a good idea is that Ricky and the selectors are abnormally excited by any player who has a dual purpose. We’ve got Andrew Symonds as a specialist no 6 batsman who doesn’t score any runs/gun fielder, Shane Watson as a bowler/opening/no 7/catwalk diversion, Michael Hussey who bats 5/bowls impotent medium pace/couriers hats to fine leg, Simon Katich to open the batting/not bowl cause Ricky doesn’t give him the ball and Matthew Hayden to apply pressure to the top order/preach the gospel/píss off the 3rd world.

Curiously, Bracken claims his biggest obstacle in becoming a spinner is talking his captains into throwing him the ball on a short run-up. Here’s a brainwave, bowl well in the nets and prove yourself to them. Or even better, bowl the first ball normally then just fúck ‘em and bowl your spinners. If you’re half decent they’ll be on board in no time.

All up there’s 8 votes this round, and the images are in the same order as the poll choices. You can hover your mouse over the pictures to see the names, and can also click the thumbnails for the full size and un-cropped picture to open in a new window.

Anyways, Roy’s punishment for going on a pre-booked fishing charter instead of the hastily arranged team meeting to discuss the new seating arrangements for the team bus, is that he was sent home from Darwin and back to club cricket.

The current word is that Roy will have to go through a “staged process” to regain his place. Presumably stage 1 is Watson getting injured, Stage 2 is a jihad on James Sutherland, and Stage 3 is a big wad of cash from his IPL connections.

The main contenders for Jaques’ distinguished position of reserve opening batsman are David Hussey, Brad Hodge and Shaun Marsh. If they’re looking for a like for like replacement they’d have to go Shaun Marsh, as he’s the only one who doesn’t play for Victoria. Unforunately Merv seems to have his way with selections at the moment, so we’ll probably see Brad Hodge ferret like head popping around the nets again.

Really we should be sending an SOS for the Son Of Swampy, he’s an awesome opening batsman and deserves a shot on his own merits. Roy will have to wait for his redemption.

Officials say Symonds’ apparent disregard for team commitments is the latest in a worrying trend that indicates he is mentally struggling to cope with the demands of being a high-profile sportsman.

Ok, it’s not like a few beers on tour is anything new, Doug Walters for the defence. He was punished at the time, this fishing trip didn’t involve the drink, and really there’s no reason to bring up the events of 2005.

“struggling to cope with the demands of being a high-profile sportsman” ? Sounds like he needs some sort of relaxing activity to take his mind off all the stress of Cricket… an activity that he enjoys and helps him relax and forget the pressure. Fishing sounds just about ideal.

Now Roy’s punishment for this most grevious indiscretion of missing a team meeting in August reads as follows: