Flat track bully

Well may I say God save the Queen, because nothing will save Matthew Hayden.

It was fun while it lasted. That tour of India where you were the only Aussie batsman to perform will always be a highlight for me, definitely more so than your world record 380 against Zimbabwe.

Why you didn’t retire with Langer, Gilly, McGrath and Warne has always eluded me. You were a champion then, now you’re a chump. You’re 37 years old for christs sake, and not in any sort of form to be playing with the youngans. Leave now while some shred of decency remains.

They say there’s a little voice in your head that tells you when it’s time, in case you can’t hear it that voice is yelling “fúck off back to Queensland you useless fat prick”!

Your píss-poor performances are putting unwanted pressuring the middle order far too often.  We were reduced to 3/15 due primarily to you failing to do your job.

SOS Marsh is groomed and ready to take over. We need him settled before the Ashes series, so get the fúck out of the way.

Don’t worry, the press will still ask your opinion so you can preach your shíte for many years to come. Perhaps coaching in the 3rd world is a career path for you, there’s not too many outspoken coaches left these days and you’d change that pretty quick.