The Harris Factor

Harris doesn’t look the greatest bowler in the world, however the Rhodesian born off-spinner now has 49 Test Wickets and amongst them are some names that would make Cameron White cry.

The guy is stock standard left-arm orthodox bowler, and from watching him I can’t help but feel he does not deserve to carry the scalps of the best players of spin in the modern game, such as

  • K Pietersen (twice), once on 94
  • V Sehwag (twice)
  • S Ganguly
  • Inzamam-ul-Haq
  • VVS Laxman
  • MS Dhoni
  • CH Gayle
  • SR Tendulkar
  • Yuvraj Singh
  • MJ Clarke
  • A Symonds

Some bloke on the radio yesterday presented a workable theory on the Harris Factor. Apparently the guy is a complete wánker. Whether he learnt this strategy from Harbajahn or is a total knob jockey at heart I’m not sure, but giving the ball to the biggest prick in the team and letting him loose seems to be reaping dividends.

Mind you, it’s no small feat out-árseholing Smith, Kallis, and Nel, but apparently it’s his unique combination of lacking variation and skill mixed with his constant appeals as if to suggest to the batsmen that he could get you out at any time that has the worlds best batsmen drowning in honey.

His stats back this up as well, with 70% of his victims being caught in the field believing that they could hit this annoying piece of saffa shít into next week.

Paul Harris method of dismissal

Paul Harris method of dismissal

Cricket WAGS Deathmatch – Round 1

Welcome to Round 1 of the Aussie Cricket WAGS DeathMatch. The rules are simple, just vote for the hottest missus in each pool. If you’re torn between two of the lovely entrants, I suggest you give bonus consideration to the one with the uglier cricketer who would never have scored such a hottie were it not for his sporting career.

All up there’s 8 votes this round, and the images are in the same order as the poll choices. You can hover your mouse over the pictures to see the names, and can also click the thumbnails for the full size and un-cropped picture to open in a new window.

{democracy:2}

Annika McNamara Christine Padfield Sue Langer

{democracy:3}

Georgie Willis Jacqui Morris Simone Warne

{democracy:4}

Haley Bracken Anna Gillespie Kellie Hayden

{democracy:5}

Elizabeth Lee Jessica Bratich Meredith Jenkins

{democracy:6}

Mel Gilchrist Lara Bingle Amy Hussey

{democracy:7}

Danielle Small Lee Furlong Michelle Clark

{democracy:8}

Katie Johnson Karina castle Meg Hodge

{democracy:9}

Amber van Schiajik Lindsay Kasprowicz Rianna Ponting

Top 10 reasons Austrlaia lost the Border Gavaskar Trophy

Ricky losing Gillies trophy

Ricky losing Gillies trophy

10. Losing the toss
I’d love to see some stats on how many teams have won in India with a first innings defecit. Batting first is key and each test was controlled by the opening innigns. Losing 3 tosses did put us at a dis-advantage, but we could have overcome this.

9. Stupid and thoughtless Dismissals
If you hit the ball directly to mid-on and run you deserve an uppercut. There really is no excuse for this in test cricket, and Hayden, Ponting and Hussey are all guilty as charged in the 4th test. Other memorable brain farts go to the collapse in Mohail that set up India for a win, some of Haddin’s half-hearted spoon’s directly to fielders, and Clarke’s last over lapses.

8. Team Unity
Ponting’s on field spat with Lee in Mohali was the lowest point of the tour. It sent out a message of dis-unity, bad communication, and a team in crisis. These disputes no doubt often happen when touring, but for fúcks sake keep them behind closed doors.

8. Lacking the killer instinct in Bangaluru
Our run rate was simply too slow in the first test, 2.86 in the first innings was below par but the real lack of intent was blocking out Kumble at the end of Day 4. The pre-declaration slog has been sorely missing from this current baggy green squad, oh how I miss thee. The lack of urgency in the first test led to us running out of time with bad light when we could well have been leading 1-0 going to Mohali.

7. the SG Ball
Despite having Troy Cooley who is widely regarded as the best bowling coach in the business, our bowlers didn’t get the SG Ball to talk until Watson and Krejza achieved enlightenment in the 4th Test. Brendan Julian in an interview with Watson about the Indians bowling the new ball cross-seam after Day 4 Test 1, yet at the end of Test 2 the word was we didn’t realise what they were doing.

6. Ordinary fielding
All the direct hits we are used to have gone fishing. Roy, while missed with bat and ball, it is his presence in the field who’se abscence is hurting us most.

5. The spinner
Cameron White is not a Test standard wicket taking bowler. If we were after a part timer, David Hussey or Shaun Marsh would have been worth a nod, but we already have Shane Watson and Michael Clarke as all rounders. The team was never in need of a number 8 batsman. We needed a spinner, or at least someone who had the potential to become a spinner. The selection of Krejza was dictated by no-one else being in the squad, and turned out brilliantly. However, when McGain went home injured we should have called up another spinner to give us more options. Why didn’t we take 5 spinners over if only to get them some experience? We could probably lend them out to Indian domestic teams then pick whoever is performing.

4. Impotent bowling plans
The Mohali pitch was a road when we bowled and a minefield when we batted, then reverted to a road, then back to a minefield. The Indian bowlers to their credit got movement in the air and off the deck while our boys broke their backs bowling uphill into the wind.

3. Not bowling Simon Katich
Why the hell did Rick only bowl Katich in the third test? In the 40 odd overs of spin on Day 5 of the 1st test Katto could well have made the breakthrough. In the second test our attack was impotent as we waited patiently for Anil to declare, still no Katto. In the third test he finally got a shot and looked dangerous from the first ball. He bought some much needed aggression to the bowling crease and had to be seperated from Gambhir by Billy, then dismissed Ganguly. Perhaps the biggest compliment of all was VVS failing to pick his pearler of an arm-ball. So having finally tried Katich, seen him bowl well in Indian conditions, Rick forgets all about it and gives him just 3 tidy overs in the 1st innings in Nagpur on a wicket on which the Off-Spinners were lethal, surely the left-arm chinaman was worth a bit more of a spell?

2. Stars not firing
An ordinary series from Lee who through a hand injury, food poisoning and generally bad form picked up 8 wickets at 61. Ponting started with 123 then went on to score 143 in his next 6 appearances. Hayden copped some ordinary Rauf’s early on but in truth didn’t wake up until the final innings of the series, by which time Ponting had already surrendered.

1. Píss Poor Captaincy
Ponting had a very poor series in many respects, none more so than after Tea on Day 4. There’s been suggestions of match fixing, and lets be honest, that makes more sense than any of his explanations for taking the foot off. Time for him to concentrate on his batting, give the captaincy to Clarke, Hussey, or…. Warne – he’d probably come back to be captain, especially with an Ashes Series coming up.

Bloody Ponting

Ponting changing his field, again

Ponting changing his field, again

Our over rate is a national disgrace. Ricky threw a test match in order to play New Zealand, apparently out of his love of playing for Australia. I’ve already had my say on that, now I’m going to say some more!

Ponting was fined 20% and the remainder of the team 10% of their match fees, which equates to roughly 0.05% of their annual IPL cashcow. But the really big loss was the Border-Gavaskar trophy which at tea yesterday we were a good chance to retain. I’ve read that a suspension for Ricky was not even on the table, a captain needs to be fined twice in a 12 month period for that to even be an option. Now he’s lost the test, the series, and still got the first fine.

Is 90 overs a day an unreasonable ask? So many teams seem to have trouble with this limit. After taking out drinks, wicket and injury allowances and adding the 30 minutes overtime that has become a rule rather than the exception in modern tests, the target is to bowl, on average, 15 overs an hour or 1 over every 4 minutes.

I’ve done the sums to get a better idea of just how slow we were on Day 4. By Tea we had bowled 50 overs, leaving us 10 short of the target. Of these, Krejza had 15, Johnson 13, Watson 12 and Lee 10. So with an off-spinner bowling 30% of the load, we’ve managed to drop 1 over in every 6! That is a seriously písspoor effort. The general consensus is that Ricky’s tri-overly field changes and general farking around between overs is killing the rate.

There are many ways to increase the over rate while still looking to take wickets – how bout bowling Simon Katich? Or Lee and Johnson off their ODI run-ups rather than the full test run-up? Why not move a bit quicker between overs? These highly pampered stars are professional sportsmen right, surely a jog from fine leg to long off every 4 minutes is not too much to ask?

Is bowling Hussey a good alternative? Sure he hides the ball when running it but who cares when it doesn’t swing? He still has a decent run-up, and I’m in no way convinced that Mike’s all that quick getting through his overs anyway, though I haven’t got out the stopwatch to be sure. Even when Ponting realised the lapse and bought on Hussey he still didn’t speed up his general farking around with the field. Is moving deep mid on 3 metres left then 4 metres right more likely to take a wicket than giving Shane Watson another over when he’s swinging both ways? One excuse I heard from Nielsen was that the quicks were tired, perhaps they could have rested in the 20 minute tea break?

The entire team was fined for this, however with our díckless coach I choose to blame the captain. He’s the one leading out there. He’s the one constantly moving the field. He’s the one deciding the bowling changes, and the one who could be speeding things up.

I was also under the impression that Ponting has been going through a lean patch with the bat, turns out he’s scored 997 runs in the last 12 months so I’ll let that slide, for now..

Date Innings Runs Opponent Ground
Date Innings Runs Opponent Ground
08-Nov-07 1 56 v Sri Lanka Brisbane
16-Nov-07 1 31 v Sri Lanka Hobart
16-Nov-07 3 53 v Sri Lanka Hobart
26-Dec-07 1 4 v India Melbourne
26-Dec-07 3 3 v India Melbourne
02-Jan-08 1 55 v India Sydney
02-Jan-08 3 1 v India Sydney
16-Jan-08 2 20 v India Perth
16-Jan-08 4 45 v India Perth
24-Jan-08 2 140 v India Adelaide
22-May-08 1 158 v West Indies Kingston
22-May-08 3 5 v West Indies Kingston
30-May-08 1 65 v West Indies North Sound
30-May-08 3 38 v West Indies North Sound
12-Jun-08 1 18 v West Indies Bridgetown
12-Jun-08 3 39 v West Indies Bridgetown
09-Oct-08 1 123 v India Bangalore
09-Oct-08 3 17 v India Bangalore
17-Oct-08 2 5 v India Mohali
17-Oct-08 4 2 v India Mohali
29-Oct-08 2 87 v India Delhi
06-Nov-08 2 24 v India Nagpur
06-Nov-08 4 8 v India Nagpur

Bástard!

Ode to Shane Warne

Shane Warne - BnS Legend

Shane Warne - BnS Legend

Warney has played out of his boots to overcome being a Victorian and still get immortalised in history as a Beer and Sport Banner of Legends member.

I have spent the bulk of my cricket watching years observing Warne take apart all and sundry. His deception and mystery with the ball always amused me, his mastery of control both in the air and off the pitch, his ability to invent a new name for an old delivery every series, the mind games.. ah the mind games.

The man is so much more than the sum of his wickets. He polarises popular opinion in Australia, generally along the lines of gender. Womens magazines feed on his indiscretions, and I’ve boycotted many as a result. Here’s a comprehensive list of his misdemeanour’s including a Top 10.

Warney’s greatest achievement and one that all straight men aspire to, was getting a threesome with two hot chicks in the middle of a 1st class match, and going on to take 7/99. They even let him film it, then sold the footage to News of the World for cash and to promote their careers as Pommy and Kiwi slappers. Still, Warney in his playboy undies is a great image and one I’m sure he’ll be proud to show his grandson one day. It’s now immortalised in the Beer and Sport Banner.

While a test match century forever eluded him he could at times be brutal with the bat. I was at the Newport Arms when he got 99 against New Zealand and in typical Warney style wanted to bring up his maiden 100 with a 6. He holed out down cow corner to Daniel Vettori which surprised absolutely no-one. Turns out it was a front foot no-ball, though I have no doubt he would have found another way to miss the maiden ton regardless.

The 2005 Ashes for Shane Warne would have to go down as the greatest performance in a series of any cricketer in my lifetime. He took an incredible 40 Wickets at 19.92 which was 16 more than the next best bowler. What’s more he scored 249 runs at 27.66, and many of these came when all the batsmen failed. “His deliveries to remove Andrew Strauss at Edgbaston and Marcus Trescothick at The Oval defied logic and he can surely now make a justifiable claim to being the greatest bowler that has ever played the game.” [BBC]

Some inspirational words from the greatest site on the Internet, Nosedog’s Top Aussie Guide:

Shane Warne is a top Aussie. He is also a massive pisstank yobbo with a beer-gut who dyes his hair blonde and drives a red convertible. Warney has done some bad things. He once got paid 100 grand by Nicabate to give up durries for a year but he lit up heaps when he was pissed. Then he took money from some Indian bookmakers for pre-match information. He once smashed a camera cause a kiddy took a photo of his beer gut. Then he got toey on the phone and dirty-talked an English girly who wasn’t his wife. However, all Australians agree that Warney can be excused for doing these things cause he spin bowls like a genius and makes England look completely shíthouse. Warney could drink all our beer and then spew on our carpet and we wouldn’t care as long as he keeps taking wickets.
Warney is a top Aussie.

My best man took the piss out of me at my wedding as my Wireless router is called “Warney for King”, and my cat is named Warney. When it’s time for dinner and I call the cats in there’s no room for high pitched kitty kitty crap… instead it’s the familiar and drawn out “Waaarrrrnnnnnneeeeeyyyyy… Waaarrrrnnnnnneeeeeyyyyy…”